Mallock the Malign vs. Jedi Bob vs. Gorzan vs. Meca One

Amset-Ra is-

William Shakespeare: No! Let's make this section Shakespearian!

AMSET-RA - King of Egypt.

PHARAOH HOTEP - Father to AMSET-RA.

OGEL - Former prisoner.

GENERAL CROKENBURG - General. Enough said.

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS - A running joke.

CUSTOMERS.

Act I Scene 1

Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid: The Café.

Enter AMSET-RA, with a copy of the LEGO City Times, and OGEL.

AMSET. Hark, fair Ogel, to this Important headline. [Reading] ''Crokenburger Opens Today.''

OGEL If his catchphrase is "NOT... ANY... MORE!" then I am a guru.

AMSET. Unfortunately, you are. Let us go, Ogel, and Check it out.

Enter PHARAOH HOTEP.

AMSET. What ails thee, my father?

HOTEP. Nay, I should ask the same Of you. What is Ogel doing Out of the prison?

AMSET. He has served his term.

HOTEP. Fine, but make sure he goes back to-night.

AMSET. No sweat.

Exeunt.

Act I Scene 2

Crokenburger.

Enter AMSET-RA, OGEL, GENERAL CROKENBURG, and several CUSTOMERS.

OGEL. So this is Krokenburger.

AMSET. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Enter CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

OBVIOUS. Seriously, I am overused.

Exit.

AMSET. Congratulations on your new restaurant, General. It looks great.

CROKENBURG. NOT... ANY... MORE!!!!!!!!

AMSET. So... you're trying to put the Axel Bar & Grill Out of buisness?

CROKENBURG. No, that's not the case at all!

AMSET. Ah, I see. You're trying to outperform fair Axel Storm, who had nothing to do with the Founding of Axel's. He never fought A day in his like, and you think you can do Better than him, when, in reality, you lost To the holy Tee-Vee!

OGEL. Uh... Amset-Ra?

AMSET. What is it?

OGEL. AntiMatter is a 2015 figure. Why are we speaking in this format?

AMSET-RA. ...Oh. We are?... Ooh I'll make mincemeat out of that hacker!

Exeunt.

Wyldstyle: What was that Shakespearian bit this morning all about?

Ogel: I believe Terabyte was in a Shakespearian mood today.

Wyldstyle: O-kay... Anyway, let's get down to business! Welcome to Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid, which was finally rebuilt after that Midgard Serpent incident last month. This season has really been dragging, and Mallock is only the second fighter this season to win at least two matches. Will today be his lucky day? Let's find out! Iiiiiiiin the Red Corner, this guy has a tasty hat, Mallock the Malign! FRENZY!

Frenzy: What?

Mallock: I'll take care of him.

ZAP!

Frenzy: Cool! I've got Wyldstyle's HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wyldstyle: Actually, that's one of my old hair pieces.

Trendsetter: (to Frenzy) Dude, that hair is like, soooo twelve years ago. Where's your sense of fashion?

Wyldstyle: (Don't tell anyone, but I'm really Cam Attaway, and I was getting ready for my role as Wyldstyle, which is why I didn't appear in Mission Deep Freeze. As for Crunch, he's really Arrow in disguise. Zed is really Ogel, and Diamond Tooth is a certain gold-haired pirate. Now forget I said all that.) Iiiiiiiin the Green Corner, a mystery Jedi of old (I have no idea how he survived Order 66), Jedi Bob!

Jedi Bob: Yes! I haven't appeared in twenty months! I can finally get popular again!

Wyldstyle: Nah. Iiiiiiiin the Yellow Corner, the Prince of the Gorilla Tribe, Gorzan!

Gorzan: Let's rumble, dudes!

Wyldstyle: Iiiiiiiin the Blue Corner, bow to your new robot leader (or I'll swipe your wallets), Meca One!

Meca One: Accepted. I will spare you when I destroy all of humanity.

Frenzy: Even me?

Meca One: You are not classified as a human, but who cares anymore.

Amset-Ra: All right, I'm back! Terabyte is in jail until blahblahblah, so when anyone says "Terry", it's Terry the Buggoid, okay?

Terry: YES!

Amset-Ra: Now let's clear out the spam minifigures. Terry, Trendsetter, and Frenzy, I'm going to ask you to leave.

Terry: NO!

They leave.

Amset-Ra: Ogel, I'd ask you to leave too, but you're too important to me.

Audience: O_O

Amset-Ra: And if you don't comply to my every wish, I'm gonna sick Morro on you. Get it?

Ogel: Got it.

Amset-Ra: Good. Predict.

Ogel: No way is Jedi Bob going to win this one. As for Gorzan, he'll be eliminated soon enough. And Mallock can turn Meca One into scrap metal. So Mallock it is.

Meca One: Devastators, strike location #4253,7962.

A Fire Vulture swoops in and instantly burns Ogel to a crisp, which will eventually set Mission Deep Fried Ogel into motion.

Amset-Ra: Wow. Wanna join the Pyramid Staff, Meca One?

Meca One: This unit has other priorities, but I will consider it.

Amset-Ra: Fangar?

Sir Fangar: Right! The glooooooorious fighter of the week is Mantizoid, aka Jerry. The gloooooooorious minifigure of the week is my glooooooorious colleague, Pythor!

Pythor: If you ssssssssay sssssso...

Meca One: Who are they?

Amset-Ra: That's Sir Fangar, who is over-optimistic, and that's Pythor, who is over-pessimistic.

Pythor: I am not over-pesssssssimisssssstic!

Sir Fangar: If you gloooooooriously say so!

Amset-Ra: Tee-Vee, start us off!

Spyclops: Boo! Get another ref!

Priest of the Tee-Vee: BLASPHEMY!

Amset-Ra: CORONA!

A distant sizzling sound can be heard.

Amset-Ra: Take two. Tee-Vee?

Tee-Vee: Boot battle.exe.

Meca One: Legion Two, move into position.

Gorzan: Wait, a whole legion, dude?

Jedi Bob: ARGH! I forgot to charge my lightsaber before the match!

Mallock: A robot didn't stop me two matches ago, and one won't stop me now! Rise, my butterfly army!

Fire-Arm: Hey, that's my thing!

General Crokenburg: NOT... ANY... MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vakama: Actually, I'm classified as-

Meca One: Ranks 1 through 13, proceed.

Wyldstyle: And here come several dozen Iron Drones!

Mallock: Clog their inner workings, my Lepidoptera lads!

Gorzan: Construct, dudes! Wow, that tickles, dude!

Wyldstyle: Wow. That is one weird Gorilla Striker.

Sure enough, it looks like the Gorilla Striker was built by Pablo Picasso.

Gorzan: Hey, call off the butterflies, man! They sting!

Mallock: Hey, thanks for the idea!

Poof!

Gorzan: BUZZ OFF, DUDES!

Wyldstyle: Mallock equipped his butterflies with stingers, and is continuing his assault on Gorzan. And an angry Fire-Arm is making his way down to the ring!

Jedi Bob: Come on, you stupid lightsaber! Finish charging already!

''Fire-Arm strides into the ring and past a "Men Working" sign, with "Men" crossed out and "Robots" written above it in badly-drawn crayon. He appears to be yelling something, but it is hard to hear over the chainsaws and jackhammers that the Devastators are using.''

Meca One: More Iron Condors! Equip your golden master with wings!

Kai: That's gonna give me nightmares.

Jay: I know, right?

Gorzan: Whew, dudes! I finally got enough sense to build a cockpit in this thing! Let's roll, dudes!

Mallock: Poor fool...

Gorzan: Fire, dude!

Whoosh whoosh whoosh tink tink tink!

Mallock: Did you really think I wouldn't set up a force field to block your puny bananas? Now it's my turn!

Poof!

Meca One: Wha-?

''CRUSH! (Did you really think I would add the Alpha Team agent names as sound effects here? Not this time.)''

Meca One: This unit shares touching emotion for the loss of eight Iron Drone Units.

Wyldstyle: Meca One used Sarcasm!

Mallock: It's not very effective...

General Hux: I caught that! You're all under arrest!

An incomplete Thunder Fury arm crushes him.

Wyldstyle: Mallock made the Gorilla Striker legs disappear, which made it roll into the robot army! But Gorzan is not eliminated. And now he's addressing the audience!

Gorzan: Friends, spectators, countrymen, lend me your metal hands; I came to beat the tar out of Mallock, not to praise him...

Amset-Ra: Again with the Shakespeare!

G'loona: What?!

Tremor: Tremor thinks monkey is crazy!

Karlof: No!

Moltor: Me parting with my hands is like Wyldstyle parting with her hair. No thanks.

Tremor: ...Fine. Tremor give monkey keys to Tracks.

He tosses the keys to Gorzan, but it is caught and swallowed by Robin Underwood's biology Rancor.

Gorzan: O_O

''Then the Rancor spits out Tracks. Its engine is running.''

Gorzan: Put that in a commercial, dude!

He hops into the seat and starts plowing through the robot ranks.

Mallock: Meh, I'll just let him do my dirty work.

Meca One: Units, annihilate this inferior ape.

Gorzan: Woooo! This is fun, dudes!

Smash smash smash!

Wyldstyle: And now five Iron Condors are surrounding Tracks!

Devastator: Surrender.

Gorzan: Sorry, dude, that ain't in my dictionary!

Meca One: Correction: Definition of Surrender: to give up.

Gorzan: You think you're so smart, dude? Watch this!

''CRUNCH! RADIA! DASH! CAM! (I lied earlier.)''

Devastator: There go your Thunder Fury units, leader.

Meca One: I know that, Unit DC-402.

Wyldstyle: And now Meca One is conversing with his top Devastators.

Jedi Bob: Almost charged...

Mallock: Now I can dispose of those bucket heads and that gorilla!

Poof!

Devastator 1: Assess the situation.

Devastator 2: Our motors have stopped!

Devastator 3: We're gonna crash!

CRASH!

Mallock: What a predictable sound effect.

Wyldstyle: Mallock magically shut off the Iron Condors' motors, which made them crash on top of Gorzan!

Tee-Vee: Query: Gorzan: Eliminated.

Mallock: You know, Meca, the problem with robots is that they're too predictable.

Meca One: Who is to blame?

Mallock: Sensei Keiken.

Sensei Keiken: Of all the rude things!

Mallock: Here, let me give you a hand with your army.

Meca One: That will not be-

Whoosh!

Tee-Vee: Meca One: Eliminated.

Wyldstyle: Mallock's help came in a different form - he just simply flung Meca One out of the stadium with his magic!

Devastators: RETREAT!

Wyldstyle: And there goes the entire army!

Mallock: Gorzan, come on out! Papa Mallock is waiting for you!

''Suddenly, Gorzan rushes out of the rubble. Apparently Tracks is still working. But Mallock simply steps aside, causing Gorzan to drive out of the arena.''

Tee-Vee: Gorzan: Eliminated.

Jedi Bob: Finally! Here I come!

Bzznn!

Mallock: Sigh... Your steel-reinforced blade of light means nothing to me.

Poof!

Wyldstyle: And there goes his lightsaber.

Jedi Bob: Oh... At least I still have the Force!

'' F O R C E S H O V E ! ''

Mallock: Fancy.

Wyldstyle: And there goes Mallock's staff! What will they do now?

Jedi Bob: I have the upper hand! Give up!

Mallock: Did you forget I still have my butterflies? With stingers?

Jedi Bob: Gulp.

Wyldstyle: While Jedi Bob is being stung to pieces, now would be a good time to cut to a commercial.

Want to scare your friends this Halloween but your costumes just don't work anymore? Then get the new KANOHI RAHI! One size fits all except for bigfigs like Rancor, Dogshank, or those insane Toa. Please specify from Kanohi Kane-Ra, Kanohi Bohrok, or Kanohi Rahkshi. Kanohi Makuta is coming soon. (Yeah yeah, we know Makuta ain't no Rahi, but who cares.)

Tee-Vee: Winner: Mallock.

Wyldstyle: Yes! We finally have our first three-match winner since Toxikita!

Meanwhile...

Tremor: You wreck Tracks. Pay Tremor 1 million studs.

Gorzan: Is a ten-ton brick really worth that much, dude?

'''Amset-Ra is headed back to his office when he sees William Shakespeare in the hallway. Amset-Ra removes his costume to reveal...'''

Amset-Ra: Terabyte!

Terabyte: Technically, I wanted to play a few pranks.

Amset-Ra: April Fool's Day was six months back. Now join Ogel and the Midgard Serpent in the dungeon. Oh, and I'm also sending you there because I forgot to punish you when you joined the TARDIS last season. CORONA!

Moments later...

Terabyte: Technically, I can hardly move...

Ogel: I can hardly breathe...

???:  THE MIDGARD SERPENT  CAN HARDLY DIE.

See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle.

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