User blog:Surtatb2007/New Year's Eve 2019

''Here's my annual New Year's Eve special! Semi-annual, I guess, after missing last year.''

Amset-Ra: Hey, Dad! I wanted to have an All-Star match to celebrate a new decade!

Pharaoh Hotep: Son, I've been alive for thousands of decades, and let me tell you, a new one's nothing special. Except for Y2K. Now that was a proper catastrophe!

Corona!

Pharaoh Hotep: Ouch! That stung. Son, you really got to lay off on those-

Corona!

Pharaoh Hotep: Point taken. The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree, I guess. What do you want me to do?

Amset-Ra: I need you to find Chell and tell her to open a portal to a very special venue.

Pharaoh Hotep: Where do you have in mind?

Amset-Ra: Tell Chell to surprise me.

Pharaoh Hotep: Yes, sir.

The Yang Tavern...

Mezmo: And, it the turquoise corner, is the undefeated Wrecking Ball!

*Insert cute hamster noises*

*Insert crowd cheering*

Mezmo: And, in the maroon corner, a new challenger approaches! From the depths of Portal 2, the one, the only, Chell!

Silence.

Mezmo: 3...2...1...Fight!

''Wrecking Ball starts squeaking as he turns into a, well, uh, a hamster ball and rolls around the fighting pit. Chell rolls her eyes.''

Chell: Puh-lease. I've seen insects bigger than you.

Unintelligible squeaking continues, indignant this time

Mezmo: That's got to hurt. Wrecking Ball ran over the newcomer. All right, folks, another win for our undefeated champion...

Chell: Wait.

*Crowd gasps*

Chell: I'm just getting warmed up.

''Wrecking Ball transforms out of his hamster ball and into a giant mech, charging at Chell. Chell opens up a portal right in Wrecking Ball's path. The second portal opens up, sending Wrecking Ball face-first into the ground. A small hamster pops out of the destroyed mech, seemingly arguing with Mezmo. ''

Chell: Get out of here, ya filthy rodent!

Chell kicks the hamster out of the ring and throws up her hand in victory.

Mezmo: Victory for Chell, our new reigning champion!

Chell (wiping sweat off her brow): Who's next? Any takers?

The crowd scatters. At this moment, Pharaoh Hotep and a squad of Death Troopers walk in.

Pharaoh Hotep: What is this? A rip-off ARFP?

Death Trooper 1: Hmmph.

Chell: What do you want? Cuz I can take you in a fight, no problem.

Pharaoh Hotep: We're from the ARFP.

Chell: Oh, that place.

Pharaoh Hotep: We need a new venue. Something different.

Chell: I know just the place.

At the ARFP...

Amset-Ra: Yes, I know that Tee-Vee has a very busy schedule. Yes, I know that he is preaching a New Year's Eve service at the United Church of his excellency the almighty, beautiful, candid, deified, enlightened, flamboyant, genial, hallowed, ingenious, jovial, knowledgeable, lucid, magnificent, numerically accurate, oecumenic, perfect, quantum dimensional, relished, sun-giving, truth-telling, undeniably attractive, valiant, wondrous, xenodochial, youthful, zoologically inclined Tee-Vee. Yes, will you please just let me talk to him!

Priest of Tee-Vee: Patching you through.

Tee-Vee: This brief conference has been brought to you by Grundall's Christmas Singalong! For only $39.95-

Amset-Ra: What is this? Have you been taken over by- ads?

*Insert gasp track*

Amset-Ra: Satellite Tee-Vee! I knew that you were plotting to corner the television market!

''Amset-Ra sent a burst of lightning through the speaker, frying Satellite Tee-Vee's circuits. The Priest of Tee-Vee runs in, seeing the carnage, and thanks Amset-Ra profusely.''

Priest of Tee-Vee: Thank you for saving our lord and savior from that monstrosity. What can we ever do to repay the favor?

Amset-Ra: There is one thing you could do...

Later...

Invizable: Are you calling to renew my announcer's contract?

Amset-Ra: No. However, there is something else you can do for me.

Invizable: What?

Amset-Ra: I'm hosting a New Year's Eve All-Star Battle.

Invizible: Do you need me to announce?

Amset-Ra: No. I need you to fight.

In Astor City Labs:

Guard: It's Toxikita! Run! Tee-Vee have mercy on our soul!

Toxikita: Astor City, tremble beneath my rath. The new bioweapon is mine!

Amset-Ra: Not so fast.

CoronaCoronaCorona!

Toxikita: How dare you meddle in my affairs! I have served my time in your pyramid.

Amset-Ra: One last battle? For me? Please?

Toxikita: *laughs* You're pitiful, old man.

Amset-Ra: So you'll do it?

Toxikita: Yes.

Back at the ARFP...

Amset-Ra: Dr. Inferno!

Dr. Inferno: Yes?

Amset-Ra: You're coming with me.

That night...

Amset-Ra: Welcome, minifigures and more minifigures to the final battle of the decade!

*Massive cheering*

Amset-Ra: Announcing today is Wildstyle. Our referee is the Swedish Banker, and my personal lawyer Sword will be the predictor. Sword, take it away.

Sword: Today's lineup has some heavy hitters. From a purely statistical standpoint, I would say-

Amset-Ra: Cut to the chase.

Sword: I predict that the very first season champion, Invizable, will be the winner.