Flintlocke vs. Zander Freemaker vs. Frakjaw vs. The Midgard Serpent

An ominous voice booms loudly as a montage of scenes showing various battles is displayed...

???: BEFORE THERE WAS PEACE OR CHAOS, THERE WAS WAR.

Pythor: Isssssssssn't war chaos?

Amset-Ra: Shhhhhhhhhh!

???: AS WAS BEING SAID, BEFORE THERE WAS PEACE, THERE WAS CHAOS.

Amset-Ra: No no no, that doesn't make sense!

???: BEFORE NOW, THERE WAS ANOTHER TIME, WITH ANOTHER STATE OF EXISTENCE BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY WORSE AND BETTER THAN THE CURRENT ONE.

A clip of Frenzy being chased by Wyldstyle plays on the screen.

Frenzy: Who's tHaT!?!?!?!

???: THEN, THERE WAS A NEW ENTITY, WHO INTO THIS WORLD DID COME. THIS BEING BROUGHT WITH IT A NEW STATE OF EXISTENCE WHICH WILL ALSO NOT BE SPECIFICALLY DESIGNATED.

Audience: Excitement is brewing!

???: BEHOLD...

The sensation of rumbling travels through the screen into the amphitheatre....

???:  THE MIDGARD SERPENT !

A huge snake-like beast bursts through the stage, destroying half of the pyramid.

Amset-Ra: AHHHHH!!! It's The Midgard Serpent!

Invizable: Yes, we had to chase it all the way from Canada.

Pythor: What wassssssss it doing in Canada?

Invizable: Hiding from the Great Devourer.

???:  THE MIDGARD SERPENT  does not hide!

Amset-Ra: Hey, somebody turn that off.

Sir-Fangar: But the glooooorious device of sense stimulation was destroyed by the gloooooorious entry of The Midgard Serpent!

...

???: The voice of  THE MIDGARD SERPENT undefinedcannot be silenced!

...

Invizable: Well, I didn't expect anything else.

Gandalf: Welcome to the most important battle since Wyldstyle vs. Invizable!

The Fierce Flame: When was that battle?

Gandalf: A long time ago, I would presume.

Amset-Ra: As befits this battle, we have decided to use a unique venue for the fight itself. We will be streaming live to all of our viewers, since this venue requires unique environment conditions and cannot support the mass of our usually unconventionally enormous crowds.

Terabyte: Actually, our crowds are only ever about fifty or so people large.

Amset-Ra: Huge, as I said!

Terabyte: And our "unique venue" is Pharaoh Hotep's basement.

Raucous laughter emanates from all of the pyramid staff.

Amset-Ra: Shh! Keep it down, my dad can't find out that we're down here!

Gandalf: Now, it is time to introduce the staff of this pyramid... My Staff!

''Glisten! Shine! Impress!''

AntiMatter: YOU DARE TO CALL THAT A STAFF, PUNY MORTAL WIZARD?

Gandalf: Maia Wizard, you should say.

AntiMatter: BEHOLD - THE GREAT STAFF OF ANTIMATTER!

Sizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzle!

Mallock the Malign: Does your own value be so diminished and not-existent that you find the need to encourage disciples of many walks to recognise you by the power of your staff, a material item of mortal existence, rather than by your own power and prowess?

AntiMatter: HOW DARE - NO - WHAT? I, FRANKLY, HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEAN, MORTAL.

Mallock the Malign: It is, then, a possibility that what you will be impressed by is not the existence which I possess, but rather that which pertains to my staff, which grants all those who find themselves in the interest of taking my name and defiling my honour eternal not-peace?

Explosions of great grandeur!

A pause of awe.

All heads turn to Pythor, expecting him to present his own staff and claim its own grandeur represents his own existence.

Pythor: Yesssssss, very niccccccce isssssssss your sssssssstaff, Mallock the Malign.

AntiMatter: WHAT OF MY STAFF, SLITHERING SLIME-MOULD SNAKE?

Pythor: Alssssso niccccccce!

Gandalf: The question, my fiercely fanged friend, is which staff is most impressive?

Pythor: Oh yessssss, nicccccce ssssssstaffssssss, all of you!

Josh Thunder: This beast is getting very unruly here!

???: ONE DOES NOT TAME ' THE MIDGARD SERPENT! '

Gandalf: Very well. I now present, in the corner which is coloured red, our first fierce fighter, Flintlocke, my friend.

Flintlocke: Arr, we don't be friends no more, matey! I be a mighty, independent pirate!

Flintlocke trips over his shoelaces, which were untied.

Flintlocke: Boots! Get me my boots!

Alfred (Batman's Butler, not the Alien): Which boots would you like, sir?

Flintlocke: Fetch me... the Boots of Mighty Rubber!

Alfred: As you command.

Gandalf: In the Yellow Corner, Zander Freemaker, first of his name!

Zander Freemaker: I'm gonna be the very best!

Frakjaw: No fair!

Gandalf: And here is our fighter from the Green Corner, Frakjaw, the skeleton with the fractured jaw!

Frakjaw: My jaw's fractured?!?!?! How?!

Gandalf: His intelligence is up for debate. Finally, in the Blue Corner -

???: ' THE MIDGARD SERPENT! '

The Pyramid Staff: Oh no...

???: IT HAS LONG BEEN SAID THAT A GREAT BEING GOVERNS THIS UNIVERSE OF MORTAL MEN AND THEIR KIN.

Pythor: And snakes!

???: AS WAS BEING SAID, LONG HAS THIS UNIVERSE OF VARIOUS VERTEBRATES -

Terry the Buggoid: A-hem.

???: LONG HAS THIS UNIVERSE BEEN GOVERNED BY THE LAWS OF SCIENCE AND MATH. THIS SHALL LAST NO LONGER, FOR A GREAT FORCE HAS ENTERED OUR WORLDS - BEHOLD, THE GRANDEUR OF ' THE MIDGARD SERPENT! '

The Midgard Serpent slithers ferociously.

Josh Thunder: I am not being paid enough for this job! I'm outta here!

Amset-Ra: No! You can't let the serpent go free yet!

???: Nothing can contain ' THE MIDGARD SERPENT! '

Gandalf: Now, we must perform a great journey across thousands of miles of land, to find the predictions of our predictors.

Pythor: Well, The Midgard Sssssssssssserpent isssssssssss rather impressssssssive, even if it doessssssssssss not yet rival the magnificccccccencccccccce of The Gread Devourer. For that reassssssson, I choose -

???:  THE MIDGARD SERPENT! 

Mallock the Malign: It is a fact which I am well acquainted with that a useless fighter can be exemplified by a skeleton. It is therefore a belief which can be held true that Skulkin would also have this fact extended to them. Another useless figure is Zander Freemaker, whose prowess in combat is heavily outweighed by his arrogance. The pirate Flintlocke, of whom I know little, presents himself as incompetent and arrogant, a worse combination than that of the young force-user priorly described. Therefore, my vote must go towards the most powerful of all beings aside from myself, -

???:  THE MIDGARD SERPENT! 

Gandalf: Of course. Now, we may begin our battle -

Amset-Ra: Wait! Awards!

Sir Fangar: The award for most gloooooorious minifigure goes to a long-toothed carnivorous ice creature with a cape. The award for glooooooorious User of the Week goes to MisterXenomorph for joining the site! Only 0.04ish percent of the silly human world has done this placing MisterXenomorph near the top of the list in terms of gloooooooooriousness.

AntiMatter: NOW, PUNY MORTALS, FIGHT!

Boom! Sizzle...

Flintlocke: Yarr-harr!

Pew pew!

Gandalf: The mechanical firing device of Flintlocke the pirate has fired two shots at Frakjaw, but they both seem to have missed the target which is most worthy of them.

Zander: Who?

An explosion of earth announces The Midgard Serpent as it rears up behind Zander.

???:  THE MIDGARD SERPENT! 

Zander: Yikes! This ought to be tough, but thankfully, I can get tougher!

???: YET NOT TOUGH ENOUGH.

Pharaoh Hotep:  (From upstairs) Amset-Ra, what is all that noise?

Amset-Ra: Oh, you know, just a little nothing.

Frenzy: PLAGIARIST! That line was stolen DIRECTLY from MY next episode of COOKING WITH A REALLY COOL COOK!

The horrifying scream of a roar which emanates from The Midgard Serpent sends glass shattering.

Pharaoh Hotep: Nothing?!

''The door slams open at the top of the basement stairs, and the silhouette of Pharaoh Hotep appears. ''

Pharaoh Hotep: What on God's good earth is -

A stray bullet from Flintlocke's gun knocks Pharaoh Hotep back through the door, which slams shut with a mysterious burst of wind.

Frakjaw: This is a great plan!

Flintlocke: What plan?

Frakjaw: It's a secret!

Flintlocke: You ain't even gotten a plan, do you?

Frakjaw: That's the plan!

Flintlocke: That is what I'd be callin' a stupid plan.

Pew!

Frakjaw: Oh! My head!

Frakjaw's Head: Oh! My face!

Gandalf: The shot of Flintlocke's gun has disarmed Frakjaw of his head, which, granted, was not very useful to him in the first place.

''A harrowing roar echoes through the basement again. The Midgard Serpent, taking a brief moment to stop chasing Zander Freemaker, swoops down and eats Frakjaw's body, leaving only his head for battle.''

Gandalf: With only his head, Frakjaw is as good as dead.

Frakjaw's Head: Aw, shucks!

Flintlocke: He'll still be a useful one for me!

Gandalf: Flintlocke the fiendish foe of the pirate fleet has picked up Frakjaw's head, and is now attaching it to the front of his gun. This decision seems foolish.

Flintlocke: Not if you think of it like I do! I'll shoot a hole through the skull here, sending the hard bone to smash into The Midgard Serpent -

???:  THE MIDGARD SERPENT! 

Flintlocke: Yes, The Midgard Serpent -

???: NO,  THE MIDGARD SERPENT! 

Flintlocke: The Midgard Serpent?

Pause.

Flintlocke: Alright, into The Midgard Serpent -

???:  THE MIDGARD SERPENT! 

Flintlocke: Into THAT SNAKE

???:  THE MIDGARD SERPENT! 

Pythor: The Midgard Serpent is definitely not a snake.

Flintlocke: You know what, I'll just shoot the thing!

Terabyte: Bad...

KA-BOOM!

Terabyte: ...idea.

Gandalf: Flintlocke, onto Round 2, shall not pass!

AntiMatter: THE PUNY PIRATE MORTAL FOOL HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.

Gandalf: For an analysis of the fan-dangly technological mistake which led to Flintlocke's downfall, we extend our coverage to Terry.

Terry: I don't know anything about human technology.

Terabyte: Sorry, we were using the wrong set. Any way, lets discuss physics. In simple terms, Flintlocke's first mistake was underestimating the strength of a Skulkin skull. Frakjaw, in particular, had a very strong skull, because he was able to use most of the space where the brain would normally be for extra skull thickness. This made it a certainty that, despite his old injuries, his skull would be strong enough to contain the blast of Flintlocke's flintlock pistol. So it did, and instead of the durable Skulkin skull hitting The Midgard Serpent, it caused the gunpowder in the gun to explode outwards in an enclosed environment where the force of the explosion could not go through the barrel, which was blocked by the skull. This explosion destroyed the gun and eliminated Flintlocke.

Gandalf: Meanwhile, what has become of Frakjaw's head, sent flying by the results of the explosion?

Zander: Get off of my lightsaber, you numbly-numbed skull!

Gandalf: It appears that our bony friend has found himself lodged on top of the lightsaber which Zander Freemaker's brother provided for this fight, preventing the Freemaker from activating perhaps his only method of defence against -

???: THE MIDGARD SERPENT!

Zander: I said off!

Zander shakes the lightsaber wildly.

Frakjaw's Head: Sorry! Sorry! Ouch!

Zander accidentally flings the lightsaber, with Frakjaw's head attached, into the air, but out of nowhere, a sharp projection snatches the lightsaber into its grasp.

???: FROM DARKNESS DO ALL THINGS EMERGE -

Terabyte: What about rays of sunlight?

???: FROM DARKNESS DO ALL POWERFUL CREATURES EMERGE -

Frenzy: UNICORNS!!!!!!!!!!?

???: FROM DARKNESS DOES EMERGE THE BEAST TO WHICH THIS SENTENCE DOTH PERTAIN. BEHOLD -  THE MIDGARD SERPENT! 

The Midgard Serpent, holding the lightsaber-with-skull-attached in a curl of its tail, brings Frakjaw's Head to face the serpent's own.

Frakjaw: Gulp.

Zander: Um.... Uh-oh... Yikes!

Gandalf: The fate of Frakjaw seems all but certain, yet The Midgard Serpent may have trouble dispatching of the elusive and eluding Zander, who hides behind a pillar in the middle of the basement.

The Midgard Serpent's head snaps directly to the pillar, while its tail throws away the lightsaber.

Gandalf: Perhaps this ancient beast understands the tongues of man...

Smash!

Gandalf: With the fearsome might of Morgoth's Worms, The Midgard Serpent has lashed out with its tail, shattering the pillar and sending Zander Freemaker flying into a wall.

Crumple crumble...

Amset-Ra: Uh-oh...

Gandalf: Now, the structural integrity of Pharaoh Hotep's huge basement has been compromised, and the building appears set to collapse!

Frakjaw's Head: Someone help!

Terabyte: If I recall correctly, this is the first time since Morro vs. Snake vs. Grundalychus vs. Monster Crab that an arena has collapsed during a battle!

Amset-Ra: And the worst possible time for it to happen!

???: FEAR NOT, MORTALS -  THE MIDGARD SERPENT  WILL SURVIVE THIS CATASTROPHE.

Pythor: Why doesssss everyone keep sssssssssaying mortalsssssssss?

Frakjaw's Head: Somebody help!

Zander: I'm outta here - oh!

SLAM!

Gandalf: Zander Freemaker appears to have become trapped by falling debris. His demise is imminent, so I decree now that he, like Flintlocke before him, shall not pass to Round 2!

AntiMatter: ZANDER FREEMAKER IS ELLIMINATED.

Vworp!

Zander: Gyah!

Gandalf: Now is the time for retreating to the upper levels of this house!

The door at the top of the stairs slams open again, and in its frame, Pharaoh Hotep is silhouetted.

Pharaoh Hotep: Not so fast! This mess has gone on for long enough! Re-Gou Ruby, attack!

''Bzzzzzzzzzzzzn! Sizzle...''

Gandalf: Oh dear! The Midgard Serpent appears to have been defeated by Pharaoh Hotep's Re-Gou Ruby's Corona's Sizzle!

Frakjaw's Head: Help!

Crumble Crumble...

Amset-Ra: Flee!

General Kryptor: This commercial is brought to you by the Captialist Faction of the Nindroids. Buy your Nindroids today, and capitalise on an opportunity of a lifetime!

Terabyte: Technical Difficulties!

???:  THE MIDGARD SERPENT  WILL RISE AGAIN.

Terabyte: Technical Difficulties!

Emmet: Everything is awesome!

???: ONLY IF EVERYTHING IS  THE MIDGARD SERPENT! 

Gandorf: Welcome back! Could we please have my name fixed?

Terabyte: Sorry. Technical malfunctionism.

Gandalf: Better. Now then, we await to see who, if anyone, might have survived this catastrophe.

Terabyte: The prospects look grim. That corona blast certainly seems to have knocked out most of what The Midgard Serpent had in its life force, while I can't imagine Frakjaw's Head having escaped that basement without any method of mobility.

Rumble...

Gandalf: Something appears to be emerging from the wreckage! What beast could possibly have overcome the rocks of the crumbled pyramid?

Vroom!

Gandalf: At speeds rivalling a meteor, and with the flames to impersonate one, a small, sphericalish object has emerged from the wreckage!

Frenzy: Oh no! The sky is falling on top of me!

Smash-plop!

Frakjaw's Head: Ow... Ow... Ow...

Gandalf: Frakjaw, how did you manage to survive this encounter?

Frakjaw's Head: I don't know.

Terabyte: Allow me to hypothesise. I believe that Frakjaw's internal combustion must have caused him to catch fire and release an explosive force which propelled him through the rubble and into the stratosphere.

Gandalf: Impressive. Well, we shall return soon to a new battle, which will include the Flaming, Flying Frakjaw's Head, the impressive yet sub-par AntiMatter, and myself, as well as one final fighter whose identity shall remain a mystery.

Mallock the Malign: Yes, a mystery, so strange it is. The fighter whose identity is a mystery to most is named similarly to myself. It might even be added that they are named identically. Mystery!

Pharaoh Hotep: I am disappointed.

Amset-Ra: He - he - yeah, sorry, dad. I'll pay for a new pyramid, though!

Pharaoh Hotep: Hm? Oh, thank you, but I was actually talking about my disappointment that Mallock ruined the element of surprise.

Frenzy: I'M THE NINJA OF THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE!

Amset-Ra: Oh.

Pharaoh Hotep: You'll still be paying for my new pyramid, though.

Amset-Ra: Yikes... Two destroyed pyramids in one week... That's tough to swallow.

???:  THE MIDGARD SERPENT  SHALL RISE AGAIN!

End Transmission.

See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle.

How much did you enjoy Flintlocke vs. Zander Freemaker vs. Frakjaw vs. The Midgard Serpent? 1 (Least) 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (Most)