Alien Commander vs. Bard vs. Fluminox vs. Alpha Draconis

Amset-Ra is dancing on side of his pyramid.

Ogel: Mr. Ra, what are you doing?

Amset-Ra: I’m free! The air! The butterflies! The giant, mutant, butterflies!

Brick Daddy: My army’s made with forms of an insectoid, you could call it the butterfly-oid!

Fire-Arm: Gosh, butterfly armies are so last season!

A UFO emerges from space and uses its tractor beam to kidnap Amset-Ra.

Ogel: Gasp! The TARDIS has struck again!

Dr. Inferno: Actually, that was one of the rghadlkajdklfj…

Ogel: The what?

Dr. Inferno: The rklahdfjlkfghrhghjhdn…

Ogel: Okay, I’m the one with the weird voice distorting helmet, not you!

Dr. Inferno: Fine! Force me to say it! That was one of the Alien Conquest Alien UFO’s! They aren’t working with the TARDIS!

''Another UFO emerges from space, this time dropping a single brick onto the ground. On the brick, there is a note written. The note reads “Actually, we are.”''

Dr. Inferno: I stand corrected.

A Space Police vehicle emerges from space.

Space Police Commander: (Into Megaphone) CRIMINAL FERNIE! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR NAMING THE DREADED RACE. SURRENDER YOURSELF PEACEFULLY.

Dr. Inferno: Ogel, I swear, this is all your fault, and I am going to make sure you never leave that prison again!

Ogel: (Laughing maniacally) But this was my plan from the beginning!

Dr. Inferno: What?! BREAKING NEWS! Ogel is an evil genius!

BREAKING NEWS! Unlike some other news channels, we actually have the whole story! Amset-Ra was kidnapped by the hugadhsfjkhjkhflhwjwudknd… Which lead to the criminal mastermind Dr. Inferno going to jail!

BREAKING NEWS! We’re now learning that what actually happened was a toxic waste leakage. False alarm, guys, false alarm.

BREAKING NEWS! Toxic waste leakage is not a false alarm! Plus, that’s not even what happened! Amset-Ra was actually turned into a giant BUG!

BREAKING NEWS! Actually, we’re now reporting that Amset-Ra was attacked by a giant bug!

BREAKING NEWS! Wrong again! It was actually Amset-Ra’s Pyramid that was attacked, and it was by a Buggoid!

BREAKING NEWS! To the contrary! It turns out that Amset-Ra’s Pyramid is actually a spaceship, and it was actually the attacker against the buggoid!

BREAKING NEWS! Ah, mais non! What actually happened is that the evil Pharaoh of the Buggoids, Amset-Ra, began a mighty crusade of giant pyramid ships against all evil!

BREAKING NEWS! You’ve just created a conundrum.

UNBREAKING NEWS! Nobody cares!

BREAKING NEWS! Ah! It’s the bane of our existence, the “nobody cares” guy from the Youtube Comments section, which has now been unleashed upon our dimension!

UNBREAKING NEWS! Nobody cares!

BREAKING NEWS! Quick! Fire the meaningful discussion cannons before he destroys our will to break news!

UNBREAKING NEWS! Nobody cares!

BREAKING NEWS! WOAH! He blocked the attack with his powers of morale-destruction! We don’t stand a chance!

BREAKING NEWS! This is our only hope! Release the bombardment! ''Boom boom! Ka-pow! Boom! Poof! Rat-at-at-at-at-at-at! Pow pow! KA-BOOM!!!''

Wyldstyle is sitting in a movie theatre chair, eating popcorn.

Wyldstyle: Well that was random.

Wyldstyle takes a sip of tea.

Wyldstyle: Piffglah! Note-to-self, popcorn and tea do not go together! Oh, rats, I spilled my popcorn!

The Fierce Flame: Here, have mine.

Wyldstyle: Oh, thanks The Fierce Flame!

Wyldstyle begins to move a piece of The Fierce Flame’s popcorn towards her mouth.

The Fierce Flame: Ah, it’s nothing. I should probably tell you, though - I got that popcorn from the upcoming episode of Cooking with a Crazy Crook…

Wyldstyle: Piffglah!

The Fierce Flame: What’s wrong?

Wyldstyle: It’s tea flavoured popcorn!

The Fierce Flame: Oh, I thought it’d be worse.

TC-17: The exalted leader, Hypaxxus-5, greets all of his puny but still somewhat minimally significant subjects in attendance of the 38th battle of Season 2. He also would like to announce that I, by proxy, will speak for him throughout this match.

Audience: WHERE’S TEE-VEE!!!!!!

TC-17: The exalted leader wishes for you to be SILENT! Due to a recent trade agreement, his most excellent exaltedness, Hypaxxus-5, has become the host for today’s battle.

Nute Gunray: This is outrageous! Only the Trade Federation has jurisdiction over trade agreements!

TC-17: The exalted leader wishes to inform you that you are incorrect, and therefore, a criminal of the state. You will be tried and found guilty of treason against his most exalted self, Hypaxxus-5.

Nute Gunray: Not again! I have already been part of 22 cases in the supreme court!

TC-17: Not to worry. The exalted leader knows that this case will be short, as the outcome is already determined.

TC-27: It is now time to introduce the fighters.

TC-17: Indeed. In the red corner, a puny but respectable Alien Commander of the Phoban race.

Alien Commander: For queen, for country, for crystals!

TC-17: And also for his most incredibleness, Hypaxxus-5. Proceeding to the next corner, the yellow corner, this is a puny human who may have some desirable qualities depending on the situation.

Bard: A fire burns deep within my heart; a fire which will only die when Smaug is dead by my expert hand!

TC-17: The supreme super leader, Hypaxxus-5, wishes to inform you that the fire which you feel is in fact a literal fire burning on your jacket.

Bard: Uh-oh!

TC-17: Now, we move to the blue corner, which is always destined to lose because it is associated with those useless ADU soldiers. Here, we find the mediocrely-impressive-except-when-compared-to-the-exalted-leader-Hypaxxus-5 Fluminox.

Fluminox: The Phoenix King will not allow himself to be insulted for an extended period of time. Your reign of terror will find its demise at the mercy of my immense and enigmatic army.

TC-17: The exalted leader wishes to say “Yeah, right”. Finally, in the green corner is the only fighter who we (Reference: TARDIS) want to see victorious.

Alpha Draconis: Gyahahahahaha! And victorious I will be!

TC-17: The exalted leader wishes you all luck in the coming confrontation.

Most of the luck flows to Alpha Draconis.

TC-17: Oh. How coincidental. Now, we will move to our predictors. First is ADU Prisoner #1,321.

ADU Prisoner #1,321: Help! Get me out of here!

TC-17: Be silent, human scum. Tell us who you think will win.

ADU Prisoner #1,321: HELP ME!!!!!!!!!

TC-17: How useless. The exalted leader has decided to translate this human’s pleas for help as a vote for his kin, Bard. How pathetic. Stupid humans. We will now ask our next predictor, Alien Clinger Bob, who the victor of this battle will be.

Alien Clinger Bob jumps onto Emmet’s head.

Emmet: Shplagablugadoo! Wow, it’s nice to have a minifigure’s body again!

TC-17: The exalted leader will grant you this luxury, but only for as long as you require it. Now, give forth your prediction.

Emmet: I think that Alpha Draconis is going to win, ‘cause he’s cool!

Several hours earlier, in the Alien Conquest Alien Cafeteria (All text has been translated to English)

Alien Zombie Imitators: BRAINS!!!!

At their own table…

Alien Pilot: ThoseZombieImitatorsgiveussuchabadreputation!

Alien Trooper: I know, dude! I mean, just ‘cause our species likes to steal brains and occasionally eat them, doesn’t mean we’re zombies.

Alien Pilot: Ohmygoshthat’ssotrue! Ohheylookit’sAlienClingerBob! He’scool!

Alien Clinger Bob: Hey guys!

Alien Trooper: Yo, what do you think about the battle that the commander, his holiness Hypaxxus-5, is going to be officiating?

Alien Clinger Bob: Ha. All those fighters are so uncool.

Alien Pilot: EvenAlphaDraconis?!

Alien Clinger Bob: Yeah. I mean, where does he think he is, 1996?

Back to the battle…

TC-17: The exalted leader is glad to know that you have reconsidered your opinion. We will now have the somewhat exalted Hoodwink handing out the awards.

Hoodwink: The user award goes to… No one! Because no one’s guessed our identities yet!

Users: Aw…

Hoodwink: And the minifigure award goes to…  Hypaxxus-5!

TC-17: The highest of all highnesses, Hypaxxus-5, accepts your somewhat interesting award, and also your brain.

An Alien Conquest Alien UFO appears and begins to abduct Hoodwink.

Hoodwink: Ah! This was not part of the agreement!

TC-17: We will now make a sacrifice in the name of your unparalleled ruler, Hypaxxus-5.

Alien Cyborg throws some brains into a fire.

TC-17: And now, let the battle begin!

TC-27: Fight!

Goooong!

Meanwhile, outside the pyramid…

Alien: Pew pew!

Terabyte: Pew! Pew!

Terry: Zap zap!

Spike: Boom boom boom!

Alien: Pew pew!

Terry: Alien, their gun-sounds are too good! What are we going to do?

Alien: I’ve got an idea! I’ll just call up my friend, Queen Hypogirtis, and borrow her Mothership again!

Alien Queen: (Yelling through space from Mars) NOOOOOOO.

Terry: Oh, I’ve got an idea too! I’ll call my friend Terry and get him to help us!

Terabyte: Sorry, but no.

Ring ring!

Alien: Hello? Who is it?

Alien Commander: YOU! Get over here immediately! You’re late for the battle.

At the battle…

Bard: Ha!

Bard shoots his arrows.

Fluminox: The Phoenix King dodges the mortal arrows magnificently.

Alpha Draconis: Dodge this, Phoenix King!

Zap zap!

Fluminox: The Phoenix King does exactly as the alien suggested.

Alien Commander: Ha. You should have seen that coming. Aliens, attack formation Zeta-Alpha!

Alien 2: Next time, can we make new code names for all the attack formations? Like, “Attack Formation get in a straight line and shoot the enemy”?

Fluminox: The Phoenix King prepares to utilise his Fire Chi.

Bard: The Phoenix King will not use Fire Chi! Not on my watch!

Fluminox: The Phoenix King has no intention of using Fire Chi on your non-existent watch. The Phoenix King intends to use Fire Chi on his fire harness.

''Bard shoots another arrow, but a lucky shot by the Aliens destroys it mid-flight. Fluminox is about to use his Fire Chi, but another lucky shot blasts it from his hand.''

Fluminox: The Phoenix King is humiliated!

Alpha Draconis: Where is my armada?!

Alien Commander: It is late.

Alpha Draconis: You don’t say!

Bard, meanwhile, has secretly retrieved the Fire Chi.

Bard: Now I am unstoppable!

Alpha Draconis: Don’t forget to turn off the safety!

Bard: Oh, right, thank you - Wait a second, where’s the switch?

Alpha Draconis: Gyahahahaha!

Zap!

TC-17: Apparently, I have been negligent in my role as announcer. I will now inform you that Alpha Draconis tricked the useless human, Bard, into wasting time. Bard has now been shot by Alpha Draconis.

TC-27: Bard is eliminated!

Audience (Mostly Aliens from Alien Conquest): HURRAH!!!!!!!!!!

The Aliens, under the command of the Alien Commander, continue firing at Alpha Draconis and Fluminox.

Fluminox: The Phoenix King is endangered, therefore he must now find shelter.

Alpha Draconis: Not good! Not good!

Fluminox and Alpha Draconis hide behind some collapsed pillars.

Alien Commander: Good, good! Aliens, attack formation Sigma-Eta!

Alien 2: I forget that one!

The Alien Commander stares intensely at Alien 2.

Alien 2: Wow, that works really well!

The Aliens begin standing in a single-file line, connecting all of their weapons to create… The Super Phoban Gun!

Fluminox: The Phoenix King admits his terrible fate is now a certainty!

The UFO Armada arrives.

TC-17: The exalted Hypaxxus-5 wishes to inquire “What are those?”.

Emmet: Ha! Your fleet is so 1997!

Alpha Draconis: Respect your elders!

''Zap zap! Alpha Draconis’ armada destroys all of the Aliens holding the Super Phoban Gun.''

Alien Commander: No! My squadron!

Fluminox: The Phoenix King has realized that he was incorrect. Now he admits his terrible fate is a certainty!

Alien Commander: I will not surrender! Not yet!

Alpha Draconis: GYAHAHAHAHA! You don’t stand a chance!

The door opens, and the Alien runs in.

Alien: Sorry Commander Havek, I hope I didn’t miss the battle! Oh, look, it’s a Super Phoban Gun!

''The Alien runs over to the Super Phoban Gun and tries to pick it up, but it’s too heavy. Instead, he kicks it, and it fires a projectile, accidentally destroying the Interstellar Starfighter.''

Alien: Oops! Sorry! I’ll leave now…

Alien Commander: Not yet!

The Alien Commander dives for the Super Phoban Gun, but Fluminox is performing the same task.

Alien: Commander Havek, you should watch out for that Phoenix there!

In the middle of his jump, the Alien Commander turns, grabs a conveniently placed wooden duck, and throws it at Fluminox.

Fluminox: The Phoenix King has been struck by an avian wood form!

The Alien Commander reaches the Super Phoban Gun, and with his superior strength, he manages to pick it up.

Jar Jar Binks: Oh, meesa want to be helping yousa!

Audience: Ha ha ha ha!

TC-17: The exalted leader would like to thank Jar Jar Binks for being the best character in the entirety of Star Wars!

So that’s why we hate those Alien Conquest Aliens.

Alien Commander: Alien, I need you to help steer this gun, which is, for some reason, 30 metres long!

Alien: Okay!

Zap!

Alien: Gah!

Alpha Draconis: Gyahahaha! Not so fast, Alien Commander!

Jar Jar Binks: Oh no! Theesa alien is shooting theesa other alien! Meesa is yousa only hope! This bad, very very bad!

Alien Commander: It’s better than nothing. (Not really)

Jar Jar grabs onto the end of the gun, while the Alien Commander acts like a pivot in the centre.

Jar Jar Binks: Did yousa know that meesa is bombad General in Gungan army?

Alien Commander: Start turning towards Alpha Draconis!

Jar Jar starts pushing his end of the gun towards Alpha Draconis.

Alien Commander: Wrong way!

Jar Jar Binks: Oh no! Meesa sorry! Here, meesa fixing this for yousa!

Jar Jar starts pushing the other way, straight towards Fluminox.

Fluminox: Alas! The Phoenix King finds himself in the face of danger!

''Smack! Jar Jar Runs over Fluminox.''

Alien Commander: Too far!

Alpha Draconis: Armada, why aren’t you firing?

The UFO Fleet begins firing again.

Jar Jar Binks: Ah! Theesa very, very not good!

Jar Jar is running around the arena in fright, pushing the Super Phoban Gun randomly.

Alien Commander: Jar Jar, calm down!

Jar Jar Binks: Oh noes! Meesa very, very scared!

Alpha Draconis: Gyahahaha!

''Fluminox rises from the ground, and flies straight towards Alpha Draconis, adeptly dodging the wildly waving Super Phoban Gun. Arriving in front of the UFO Commander, Fluminox is about to attack when…''

Alien Commander: Perfect!

PEW!

TC-27: Alpha Draconis and Fluminox have been eliminated!

TC-17: The exalted leader would like to congratulate the Alien Commander on his victory.

In the Axle Bar…

Pyramid Staff: YEAH!!!!! TAKE THAT, TARDIS!!!!!

Rose: Hey, keep it down over there! We’re trying to have an intense, top-secret conversation over here.

Pyramid Staff: Sorry.

Commander Flash: WHY!? WHY!!!! THAT USELESS GUNGAN. I AM NOW MAKING IT ILLEGAL FOR ANY TARDIS MEMBER TO LIKE GUNGANS.

TC-17: In that case, the exalted leader, Hypaxxus-5, will no longer be supporting your organization.

Commander Flash rattles chains as the Alien Conquest Aliens leave.

Rose: Thankfully, there is some good news.

Commander Flash: Tell me!

Rose: We’ve managed to place spies within the Pyramid Staff.

Commander Flash: Let me guess. Morro and Master Chen?

Rose: Wh- But- I mean- How did you know?

Commander Flash: Ah, they never liked Amset-Ra. But if I can find the traitors this easily, the Pyramid Staff will be able to do it in at least a day!

Rose: Two days.

Commander Flash: Yes, two days. At the least.

Meanwhile, at the official battle-plan meeting of the Pyramid Staff teams…

Great Pharaoh Amuntakken: Thank you for coming, everyone! We still have some important business to do. Three of my family members are still prisoners of the TARDIS!

Sam Sinister: Four. They just captured Han Solo, your other son.

Frenzy: I WANT TO BE THE DECOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wyldstyle: Frenzy, go, sit down, eat your popcorn, and wait until we ask for you to speak.

Frenzy: OKAY!

Great Pharaoh Amuntakken: As I was saying, we must save these minifigures who mean-

CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH.

Wyldstyle: Frenzy, stop eating your popcorn!

CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH.

Frenzy: But this is the best popcorn ever!

Wyldstyle: I doubt it.

Frenzy: Why don’t you TRY IT?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frenzy starts throwing the popcorn at Wyldstyle, who catches one piece in mid air and eats it.

Wyldstyle: Piffglah! I should have seen that coming.

Frenzy: It’s TEA-flavoured popcorn!

Great Pharaoh Amuntakken: It’s time to get back on track! Before we do so, we need to re-organize the teams, as I’m getting confused as to who is who.

Frenzy: I’M FRENZY!!!!!!! I’M A CRIMINAL AND I’M CRIMINALLY INSANE!

Squidman: Ignore him.

Frenzy: AND THAT’S MY FRIEND SQUIDMAN! HE’S A KLEPTOMANIAC. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

Squidman: Frenzy, stop talking now.

Frenzy: HE STOLE MY CAR ONCE! HE HAS A BIG VAULT FULL OF CARS. IT’S LOCATED AT-

End transmission.

See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle.

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