Mallock the Malign vs. Bytar vs. Snake Charmer

''In a land before time. (AKA the newly re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-rebuilt fighting pyramid)''

Wyldstyle: It has often been claimed that I am not fit to be announcer. Well, to that I have but one response - Everything. Is. Awesome. Including my position as an announcer.

Judge: Very good, very good. As the proposition rests, we will be turning to the opposition.

Dr. Inferno: May it be known that I will kill anyone who dares to defy my position as announcer!

Judge's Thoughts: How did it come to this? I was once a respectable member of the supreme court, and now I oversee silly hearings on the subject of who has the rights to a fictional title in a staged series of battles which only garner an audience of about ten? What has become of my life?

Wyldstyle: Um, you okay, judge?

Judge: Ah, yes, yes. The proposition wins!

Judge's Thoughts: Whoever that is and whatever they stand for.

Dr. Inferno: No! He saw past my bluff!

Wyldstyle: Well, it was a pretty obvious one. You can't kill the people to whom you own your villainy.

Dr. Inferno: Curse this morbid, dark world!

Wyldstyle: Welcome, one and all, to the most important battle since the last one that I announced! Present today are three powerful fighters. Let's introduce them one at a time!

Audience: YAAAAAAAY!

Mon Mothma: Why not two at a time?

Terabyte: Ooh, what a rebel!

Wyldstyle: In the red corner, Mall - wait, where's Mallock?

Mallock the Malign: I am here, in the corner of dark redness and eternal not-peace! Fear my harrowing prowess in the insurmountable power of invisibility!

Terabyte: Apparently his red cloak is the same hue as our red corner.

Wyldstyle: Hm. Alright, well, in our next corner, which is yellow, we have By - Where's Bytar?!

Bytar: Down here!

Camera pans down and sees Bytar.

Terabyte: Apparently Bytar is too short for the camera view which we usually use for these battles.

Bytar: I am offended!

Wyldstyle: No, you're Bytar. Now, in the final green corner - oh my god, what are all those snakes doing?

Snake Charmer: (Muffled voice.)

Wyldstyle: What?

Snake Charmer: (Somewhat more clearly.) They hide my presence amongst these filthy sands!

Wyldstyle: I see, and yet, I disagree. Let's go to our predictors, first of whom is Johnny the John Thunder!

Johnny Thunder: That little snake-man seems dangerous.

Wyldstyle: Probably is. Josh?

Josh Thunder: I agree, but I think that many snakes are more powerful than one, so I'll go with that huge blob of them.

Wyldstyle: What about you, Cloud?

A Thunder Cloud: Rumble rumble.

Wyldstyle: Very true. Now, Sir Fangar, can you present us with some awards?

Sir Fangar: Of course, but first, I must show this glooooooorious prisoner that I have found lurking amongst our gloooooooorious stores of food.

Sir Fangar reveals that he has caught a Spyrius Spy.

Wyldstyle: Mendax! What are you doing? It's almost time to start the fight, and you're off stealing our snacks?

Mendax: Oh, of course, let's just go and assume that I'm a criminal. Society's perceptions of Spyrius Spies are outdated and barbaric! This is a culture of hate and discrimination. All of you should be ashamed of your predisposed bias against my race, which is one of equal standing and perception as any of yours!

Wyldstyle: Your group is literally called the "SPYrius SPIES." What are we supposed to assume about you?

Mendax: That a book should not be judged by its cover, and a race not by the name it has chosen for itself! Your racial stereotyping is horrendously despicable!

Terabyte: Your name is actually Liar in Latin.

Mendax: Bullies! All of you!

Terabyte: Well, that might be true.

Wyldstyle: Alright, let's hurry up and get to the awards.

Sir Fangar: Right! The glooooooooooooooooooorious user of the week is Surtatb2007 - back from a glooooooooooorious death!

Audience: Yay!

Sir Fangar: And the gloooooooooorious minifigure of the month is Terabyte!

Super Excited Audience: Yay.

Wyldstyle: Alright. Terry, you ready for the fight to start?

Terry the Buggoid looks up excitedly, then hangs his head in disappointment.

Wyldstyle: Good, let's get this battle started!

Mendax: Fight!

Mallock the Malignant Tumour: Beware, and face my darkened wrath, to which you shall owe your eternal suffering and not-peace!

Wyldstyle: What happened to your name?

Mallock the Misaligned Jaw: Who dareth deride my presence so? Ye shall suffer the consequences of the darkest lord!

Mallock the Malevolence: Curse ye!

General Grievous: My flagship! Battle droids, get him! *coughcoughcough*

B-178: Roger roger, General Grievous. We'll get him! Drone-droids, move out!

B-421: One second, let me pack up first!

B-296: Oh yeah, me too!

B-178: Roger roger, one second for up-packing. Time's up, drone-droids! Let's go!

B-421: Alright! Where should we go?

B-178: Go get that wizard-one!

B-296: Roger roger! Where is he?

B-178: Right over there!

B-296: Roger roger! Wait, where?

B-178: It appears that my arm won't quite bend in that direction.

B-421: Which direction?

B-178: The one with the wizardly thing!

B-296: What wizardly thing?

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzn...

B-178: Uh-oh...

ZAP!

Wyldstyle: While General Grievous' battle droids tried to locate and attack Mallock the Malign, Mallock managed to defeat both Terabyte, who was responsible for the fluctuating names, and also the entire platoon of battle droids.

B-178: Not me!

Wyldstyle: All that you have left is your head, and we all know how much that isn't worth.

Bytar: Where is the wizard? I must defeat him!

Snake Charmer: (Muffled voice)

Wyldstyle: The blob of snakes has moved off of the green square and is now approaching the yellow corner, where Bytar has begun his feverish search for Mallock, who remains camouflaged in his own corner. Meanwhile, Amset-Ra is enjoying a snack of delicious Martian Milk and Count Dracula Cookies.

Amset-Ra: I think my teeth are bleeding...

Bytar: Huh? What dance is this? So pretty! Love!

Wyldstyle: Bytar has easily succumbed to the Snake Charmer's charm, and is now a part of the Snake Horde!

Mallock the Malign: Hm... This situation is not one which beckons for me to create an army of serpents, and I know from my experiences that skeletons are as useless as a flock of geese... Perhaps, then, that is what I shall summon - a flock of geese!

Josh Thunder: Like that'd ever work!

Bzing-Bzan-Bzoom!

???: SQUAWK!!!

Wyldstyle: A huge flock of killer geese has been summoned!

Killer Geese: SQUAWK!!! DISPARAGE!!!

Bytar: Ouch!

Wyldstyle: The killer geese are grabbing the members of the snake horde with their vicious talons, and consuming them savagely with their toothed beaks!

Snake Charmer: No!

Wyldstyle: Having lost his army of protectors, the Snake Charmer appears quick to succumb to defeat!

Mallock the Malign: Murderize him, killer-geese!

Killer Geese: SQUAWK!!!

Snake Charmer: *gulp*

Wyldstyle: The Snake Charmer has fled the arena!

Mendax: Snake Charmer is eliminated!

Bytar: Hm... seems true, but coming from you...

Wyldstyle: Bytar, now free from the charm of the Snake Charmer, seems to be unaffected by the killer geese!

Bytar: They aren't very effective against my tough skin.

Mallock the Malign: Then suffer the consequences, foul-beast, and enjoy pure eternal not-peace, courtesy of my superiority!

Bzzzzzzzn!

Mendax: Bytar is eliminated.

Wyldstyle: Woh! That battle was fast - wait a second, Bytar looks absolutely fine. I'm confused now.

Bytar: I am fine! I simply burrowed under the sand to avoid Mallock's evil spells. Now, to find that wizard, I'll need to employ some tougher tactics...

Wyldstyle: Alright, Mendax, enough with the lying! You're going to jail!

Mendax: What?! Everyone makes mistakes! You can't imprison me! This is a horribly racist action!

The Space Police arrive from space.

Space Police Commander: Finally, we've found you!

Mendax: Uh-oh...

Mendax flees the arena.

Wyldstyle: Quick, he's getting away!

Space Police Commander: Oh no, we're not here for that innocent, misunderstood individual.

The Pyramid Staff: Uh-oh...

Space Police Commander: That's right. We've been able to link a huge string of illegal activities to the employees and employers of this facility. These crimes include countless Brickmart robberies -

Pythor and Sir Fangar: (Pointing at each other) It was him!

Space Police Commander: - a string of hacking attacks -

Wyldstyle: Oh, don't worry, Terabyte's dead.

Space Police Commander: - suspicious and mysterious deaths -

Wyldstyle: Well that was stupid of me.

Space Police Commander: - vandalism and accidental destruction of property -

Amset-Ra: Which one?

Space Police Commander: and possession of an illegal, hyper-powered laser weapon which was used to destroy Space Police headquarters, among various other crimes. For that reason, you are all under -

Wyldstyle: - contract. So can we finish this battle?

Space Police Commander: Eh, what harm could it do?

Audience: A lot.

Wyldstyle: - and back to the battle, where Bytar is busily searching for Mallock while using a magnifying glass!

Bytar: Hm...

Bzzzzzzzn!

BOOM!

CRASH!

SQUAWK!

Bzzzzzn...

Wyldstyle: Well, that was disastrous.

The Fierce Flame: Bytar has been eliminated. Mallock the Malign is the victor!

Wyldstyle: By performing a hugely powerful spell, Mallock the Malign managed to knock out Bytar, half of our audience, and the entire west wall of the pyramid.

???: East!

Wyldstyle: Right, east wall.

Space Police Commander: Alright, now that that's done, it's off to the jail cellars for you lot!

Ogel Suitcase: Well, I won't have to move much.

Space Police Commander: Hey, where's Amset-Ra?

Wyldstyle: Oh dear...

News Anchor: Amset-Ra has been spotted fleeing into an underground tunnel system after an attempted capture attempt by the Space Police! In a posting on the social media site, Face-Book of Monsters, he declared that his unpopular series, Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid, will be continuing with him as a host despite his current status as a fugitive on the run. Latest reports suggest that most of his former staff have been captured as the Space Police find themselves hot on the trail of this mildly-recognizable criminal.

Space Police Commander: Cut that out!

End Transmission.

See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle.

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