Clutch Powers vs. Jek-14 vs. Alien Queen vs. General Hux

In Amset-Ra's office...

Terabyte: ...and they all lived happily ever after. Except for the pyramid staff, who lost their jobs.

Amset-Ra: Yikes! That's a horrifying story. How can we stop it from becoming reality?

Dr. Inferno: Burn it!

Terabyte: We have to keep our ratings from falling below 5%.

Amset-Ra: How do we do that?!

Terabyte: We can hack the system!

Wyldstyle: Hold on, that's illegal. Why don't we just make the battles more interesting?

Invizable: Ha! Like they can get any more interesting.

Frenzy: OR CAN THEY!?????????????????

Wyldstyle: Welcome to Amset-Ra's pyramid of awesomeness! We will now all stand for the singing of a song to honour the pyramid, and also Amset-Ra.

Emmet: EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!!!!

Wyldstyle: Thank you, Emmet.

Emmet: I can sing it again!

Wyldstyle: No thank you, Emmet. Let's move along. Your referee for today is Invizable. No one really cares about the predictors any more; they're always wrong. In the Red Corner, we have the most infamous adventurer ever, Clutch Powers!

Clutch Powers: Thank you, thank-

Terabyte: Born as a young minifigure, Clutch Powers grew into a maniacal and arrogant older minifigure. Part of this transformation is definitely because of his father, who abandoned him at a very young age. If his own father wanted to get rid of him, well, he sure doesn't stand a chance in this match!

Wyldstyle: Next, Jek-14 is our fighter from the Yellow Corner!

Jek-14: I am ready to fight, for cats and-

Terabyte: Unlike our first competitor, Jek-14 was never even born. For that reason, he was never given a birth certificate, and has fought nearly every person who he has encountered. If governments don't want to acknowledge his existence, and all of his acquaintances try to kill him, then he must be a pretty wretched fellow, wouldn't you say?

Wyldstyle: In the green corner, we would like to present the one and only... Alien Queen Hypogyrtis!

Alien Queen: Thank you for putting me in a corner that actually makes sense, regarding my complexion. I would-

Terabyte: The password for her mothership is 1L0V3M4R5.

Half of the audience begins running out towards her mothership.

Alien Queen: Fools.

An automated gun begins picking off each of the minifigures attempting to steal her mothership.

Amset-Ra: (Whispering) Fernie, go find out how we can get around that security!

Wyldstyle: And finally, in the Blue Corner, General Hux!

Terabyte: He was the main character of The Adventures of Huxaberry Finn.

FN-2187: That's my favourite movie!

Terabyte: It's a book.

TR-8R: TRAITOR!

Wyldstyle: The award for stupidity goes to all of our fighters at once, but special mention for Queen Hypogyrtis because of her extremely simple password.

Alien Queen: SLANDEROUS, TREACHEROUS AND VILE, THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE!

Wyldstyle: Ouch... The User of the Week is ArcticSeahorse, who came back, and will now be writing battles for us!

ArcticSeahorse: Thank you!

Terabyte: Shouldn't we make fun of-

Wyldstyle: We don't make fun of users; it's not tactful. Now, let the battle-

Axel: I predict General Hux!

Wyldstyle: Okay. Now, let the battle-

Ogel: I predict-

Wyldstyle: Begin!

Invizable: Fight!

Gooooooong!

Ogel: Clutch Powers!

Alien Queen: You shall feel my wrath for this treacherous decision! Corona!

''BZZZZZN... Sizzle...''

Ogel: Gyah!

Axel: Gyah!

Amset-Ra: Hey! That's an invasion of my copyright code!

Alien Queen: I had Spyrius hack into Lord Business' computers and delete it - then I travelled to the Adventurer's hotel and they gave me a map, which lead me to find the real Re-Gou Ruby, which I then extracted genetic material from. I then proceeded to implant myself with the DNA of the Re-Gou Ruby, and became the most powerful being to have ever lived!

Clutch Powers: I have got to try that!

Alien Queen: Sure, just inject yourself with this needle!

Queen Hypogirtis tosses a needle to Clutch Powers.

ZZZZZZZZNNNNNNNN!!

Jek-14: Haha!

Plunge!

Wyldstyle: In typical Jek-14 style, he stole the needle using his force lightning, and has now injected himself with this concoction!

Alien Queen: Fool.

Jek-14: Ugh... I don't feel so well...

Alien Queen: Of course you don't; only a Phoban can withstand the full power of the Re-Gou Ruby!

Clutch Powers: Well, that was close!

Jek-14: Well, I'll just clone myself, and then-

Count Dooku: No.

Collapse!

Wyldstyle: Jek-14 is eliminated.

Terabyte: So far, Queen Hypogyrtis has had a strong opening game. I anticipate that we'll see more deception from her throughout the remainder of this match.

Wyldstyle: What do you think of Clutch Powers' strategy?

Terabyte: What strategy? All that he's done is find himself in lucky situations.

Hux: In my experience, there's no such thing as luck.

A fleet of First Order ships drop out of Hyper Space.

Clutch Powers: Why don't you just use Starkiller Base, huh, Hux? Oh, wait, I forgot that it was destroyed.

Hux: Politicians, criminals, and generals have one thing in common: Deception is their art.

''BZZZZZZZN! Sizzle...''

Wyldstyle: Shockingly, Hux revealed that Starkiller Base was actually perfectly operational! Except for it's aiming mechanisms...

At the Axle Bar and Grill...

Snake: RUN!

Alien Queen: I'll sue you for false advertising! That base was said to destroy planets, not restaurants!

Hux: In case it wasn't obvious, I'm a politician, criminal, and general.

Clutch Powers: And I'm a Master Builder! Construct!

ClickClickClickClickClickClickClick...

Wyldstyle: Clutch has built the MX-41 Switch Fighter!

Alien Queen: Foolish and futile, you failure of a fighter. My army has been perfecting a method to counter that ship for over half a decade!

KA-BOOM!

Hux: Really? It only took me a millisecond.

Wyldstyle: General Hux ordered one of his star destroyers to fire their weakest weapon, which easily destroyed the MX-41.

Invizable: Clutch Powers is eliminated!

Hux: I would like to offer an opportunity for you to surrender, Queen.

Alien Queen: You want me to surrender? Ha! While you may be an officer of a condemned criminal order, I am the matriarch of an entire race of aliens!

Alien 666: Democracy!

Alien Queen: ...of one. Corona!

''BZZZZZZN! Sizzle...''

Amset-Ra: WHERE'S MY LAWYER?!

Dr. Inferno: You had him executed.

Amset-Ra: What?! Then where's my executioner?!

Dr. Inferno: He was your executioner. He had a hard time getting his arms to move in a manner which would allow them to cut off his own head.

Hux: Well, m'lady, it matters little whether you are the matriarch of a race of aliens if those aliens are not present to fight your battles.

Vworp!

Alien Queen: Thank you, Lord Vortech.

Wyldstyle: Lord Vortech has just warped space and time so to bring the entire Phoban Army to the pyramid!

Hux: Impressive... Most impressive... But you are not the victor yet. My army is still far more powerful!

Alien Queen: Then let me show you true power - Terry! Alpha Draconis! Sea-Tron Alien! I call upon the Intergalactic Alien Alliance!

Terry: OH MY GOSH, FINALLY! SOMEONE'S ACTUALLY TALKING TO ME!

Terabyte: Actually... I'm the secretary for the IAA... So...

Terry: This cruel life...

Hux: You have fought valiantly... If only you knew the power of the dark side.

Alien Queen: Oh, but I do, you fool.

The Alien Queen removes a purple lightsaber and ignites it.

Alien Queen: ATTACK!

An army combined of Phobans, Buggoids, Insectoids, Sea-Tron Aliens and UFO Aliens begin an assault on the Fleet of the First Order.

Hux: Queen Hypogyrtis, you have fought gallantly. Worthy of recognition in the archives of the First Order. Now... it is finished.

Wyldstyle: It appears that General Hux is correct - his Stormtroopers have overpowered the disorganized aliens and surrounded the queen.

''Vraawrgah... !''

TR-8R: Gyah!

Alien Queen: It is finished, isn't it?

Wyldstyle: The sand beneath Queen Hypogyrtis gave way to a Sarlacc pit, which quickly consumed the stormtroopers! Miraculously, Queen Hypogyrtis managed to float in mid-air!

Alien Queen: No, I simply had my mothership shoot a tractor beam to hold me here.

Hux: Well, perhaps you have defeated 5 of my stormtroopers. I shall one day weep for the time when I lost five whole stormtroopers!

Wyldstyle: Hux used Sarcasm! It wasn't very effective.

Alien Queen: Surrender, Hux, and perhaps I won't sue you for murder.

Hux: Never! Surrender is for the weak! The first order is not weak!

On the First Order's flagship...

Kylo Ren: This wall stubbed my toe! That's not fair!

''Lightsaber sounds. Wall is destroyed, and then the entire flagship begins crashing.''

Alien Queen: Abduction crew! I need you, fools!

Hux: Abduct me!

Wyldstyle: Everyone, get into the newly-installed safety bunker!

Ogel is the first to the entrance to the safety bunker.

Amset-Ra: Nope!

Ogel is thrown away, and Amset-Ra jumps in.

Amset-Ra: Oops, looks like we're full! Better close the doors.

Creak!

Dr. Inferno: Let us in, Lord Ra! We're dying out here!

''A straw of hay lands on the bunker. The bunker collapses.''

Wyldstyle: Maybe we shouldn't have bought it from Camel of Persia Bunkers and Co. ...

Hux: Someone shoot down that ship!

Frenzy: OKAY!

Alien Queen: DON'T shoot ANYTHING.

Frenzy: OKAY!

''Frenzy starts shooting the air around all of the ships, causing First Order pilots to crash with IAA pilots. Meanwhile, on the Interstellar Starfighter...''

Alpha Draconis: This is too dangerous for me! Turn us around!

UFO Alien: There are lasers behind us, too!

Alpha Draconis: Someone shoot Frenzy!

Frenzy: OKAY!

''Frenzy proceeds to jump onto a TIE Fighter, jump inside, throw out the pilot, jam the shooting control, turn the ship to intercept his own, and then jump back into his own ship, all while eating a Hot Dog. Never mind, that's a Hot Dog Man.''

BOOM!

Hyvak: Traitor!

FN-3141: He's dead!

Hyvak: No, the traitor's in the Interstellar Starfighter! He ordered Frenzy to shoot down our fellow alien!

Terabyte: First, one must define the use of the term Alien. Do you mean Alien, or Extra-Terrestrial? Then, we must discuss whether or not Alpha Draconis is responsible for the actions of his subordinates - then again, we need to decide whether Frenzy was in fact a subordinate of his at all. If not, then one could argue that he acted upon a suggestion, and therefore not an order, causing him to bare the ultimate responsibility for his actions. Finally, we have to discuss who the more insane-

''CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !''

Wyldstyle: We're alive!

Alien Queen: Obviously.

Hux: Ugh...

Unknown Figure: Ugh...

Supreme Leader Snoke: The forces of the First Order will now retreat from this battle.

Alien Queen: Thank you for your assistance, fellow Aliens. You may leave now.

The two fleets leave.

Hux: Wait! I'm not dead!

Alien Queen: Worse - you're an embarrassment. And now that Amset-Ra is dead... Corona!

''BZZZZZN! Sizzle...''

Pharaoh Hotep: Don't think I didn't see that.

Invizable: Admiral Hux is out! Our winner is...

Unknown Figure: Clutch Powers!

Everyone: What?

Clutch Powers: I'm back!

Wyldstyle: How?!

Professor Christina Hydron: The explosion caused by the destruction of the flagship's hydro-thermo-nuclear-kryptonite-deuterium-banana-dilithium power cell generator must have caused a disturbance in the temporal plane of existence, allowing... (Incoherent mumbling)

Alien Queen: I defeated you once; I'll do it again. Double corona!

Clutch Powers: Construct!

''BZZZZZZZN! ClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClick Sizzle...''

Pharaoh Hotep: Ugh...

Clutch Powers: Great work, wall of random bricks!

Alien Queen: At least I got rid of the last dissenting voice against my use of the magical corona!

Great Pharaoh Amuntakken: Ahem.

Alien Queen: What a shame.

Clutch Powers: What do you have planned now, Queen Hippopotamous? I bet you can't possibly think of something which can kill me!

LAWSUIT SLAM!

Clutch Powers: Ugh...

Invizable: Clutch Powers is eliminated! Her highness, the Alien Queen Hypogyrtis the First of Mars, is the victor!

Wyldstyle: Wow! After taunting Queen Hypogyrtis, Clutch Powers was sued for causing harm to Queen Hypogyrtis' reputation, mental state, and physical well-being by returning from the dead without giving three week's notice and paying the obligatory $3141.59 fine.

Alien Queen: Because of Clutch's blatant ignorance of the law, Alfred might go home without a pay-cheque tonight.

Alfred: I don't even have a home.

Wyldstyle: Come back next week to see the Alien Queen use her litigatorial powers to send all of her opponents to jail!

A judge bangs Rogon's hammer against a desk.

Judge: I call this courtroom to order! This is the case of - Questions, already?

Lord Business: No sir; the defence would like to rest its case.

Judge: Very well. I declare that the defendant is guilty, and as such, Lord Business will be paying $31,415.92 to the Society for Better Sorbets.

Outside of the courtroom...

Mr. Reporter: Queen Hypogyrtis has defeated one of her greatest adversaries, Lord Business, in the courtroom! What case will this Martian Matriarch be taking on next?

End Transmission

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