Basil the Bat Lord vs. Curtis Bolt

85 years ago...

Ole Kirk Christiansen: Welcome, all, to the brand-new LEGO toy store! And remember: Only The Best Is Good Enough!

The TARDIS materializes and the Twelfth Doctor emerges.

Ole: Who are you?

The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. I just want to congratulate you for making such an excellent toy. Eighty-five years later, it is better than ever.

Ole: So you're a time traveler?!

The Doctor: You could say so.

Ole: Can you take me to see the future of LEGO?

The Doctor: Sure. But bear in mind that I am not liable for any accidents caused by Daleks, Cybermen, Slitheen, Judoons, Sontarans, Weeping Angels, Captain Jack Sparrow Harkness, or any other alien threat.

The two head into the TARDIS and take off.

END_TRANSMISSION

Amset-Ra: This section isn't funny enough! And I'm not in it!

BEGIN_TRANSMISSION

Amset-Ra is overseeing the arrest of Ogel.

Ogel: You meddling kids...

Amset-Ra: Ah, yes, plagiarism never gets old...

The Anubis Guards holding him line him up for a perfect Corona into a max-security sarcophagus.

Amset-Ra: CORONA!

BZZZZZZZZZNNNNNN POW SLAM!

Amset-Ra: Ten out of ten! Couldn't be better!

Pharaoh Hotep enters.

Pharaoh Hotep: Oh, excellent job, Son! How did you uncover his plot?

Amset-Ra: Simple, really. I just sent my army out to his base, which he gave away its location over the holocommunicator. We arrested Ogel, and, with my arm over his shoulder like we were best buds, he told me he wanted to kidnap my Pyramid Staff members one by one and make evil shadow clones of them. Kinda creepy if you ask me.

Pharaoh Hotep walks over to Ogel sarcophagus.

Pharaoh Hotep: Nice try on your evil plan, Ogel, but I want you to know that I will always be more evil than you. I have more experience than you because I was manufactured three years before you.

The fourth wall collapses, striking the camera and ending the transmission.

Wyldstyle: Welcome back to Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid, where the question in everyone's heads is: Is NexoByte losing his golden touch?

Amset-Ra: Of course he is! Just look at his last few battles of Round 1 this season!

Invizable: Guys, quit breaking the fourth wall. For that, I'm announcing today.

Wyldstyle: Wishful thinking. The door's locked, the glass is made of transparent embersteel, there's retractable barbed wire blocking the doorway, the walls are made of Dalekanium, and there's an ejector seat under my seat in case you did steal the announcing spot.

Invizable: Grumble grumble...

Wyldstyle: Right then, let's announce! In the Red Corner, something out of '97 or something, Basil the Bat Lord!

Basil the Bat Lord: Verily, an agent is no match for Basil the Bat Lord.

Wyldstyle: In the Blue Corner, the Ultra Agents' leaker, Curtis Bolt!

Curtis Bolt: Don't be so hard on my "Secret" Intel! Sure, the kids playing with our theme needed to know what's going on, but I wouldn't call that a leak. What is a leak, however, is some wise guy tried to leak Secret Intels C and D prematurely. That kind of leak I actually like. Here's to getting a leaked 2018 LEGO set list at any time!

Amset-Ra: ...And how is that supposed to intimidate your opponent?

Curtis: Just stating the facts.

Amset-Ra: One fact is: WHY DO WE NOT HAVE A PREDICTOR?!

Invizable: I got a great predictor!

Amset-Ra: Who?

Invizable: He didn't give his name, but I took it he is a droid who is engaged in the arrest/genocide of one Mr. Rowan Freemaker.

M-OC breaks through the wall, retracting his jetpack.

M-OC: Did someone say "Rowan Freemaker"?

Invizable: Section L4, Row 25, Seat 3. You can't miss him.

Rowan: Traitor!

Kordi: Let's get out of here!

Zander: I'm Zander Freemaker, superstar run-away-from-bad-guys guy!

Roger: remind me why we even come to these battles...

M-OC: Your fleeing will make your capture/demise all the more enjoyable.

He starts to fly after them, but is stopped by Amset-Ra.

Amset-Ra: You came to predict.

M-OC: Resuming previous objectives. The match is between Basil the Bat Lord and Curtis Bolt. Basil was created in 1997, and Curtis Bolt was created in 2014, though he also has a 2015 variant, but his 2014 variant is used here. Now, as some of you may have guessed, 1997 minifigures are older that minifigures created in 2014. In 2017, Basil the Bat Lord will celebrate his minifigure's 20th anniversary, but no 2017 minifigures will be present to celebrate it with him. Curtis Bolt, on the other hand, was created in 2014, yet he also appears in 2015 with a different appearance. This certainly seems illogical. To make matters worse, he has a neck accessory in the set 70168 Drillex' Diamond Job. Does this count as a third variant? Only time will tell. Now, Curtis Bolt has hair on his 2015 variant, but none on his 2014 variant. Does this mean the 2014 variant is bald. Instead of hair on the 2014 variant, Curtis wears a helmet. Does this mean helmets are a form of hair? Now, in my experience as a kid-hunting droid bounty hunter, I have not seen many people with helmets or hate for hair, which can only mean-

Wyldstyle: We're gonna cut the transmission for this rambling briefly to bring you to a recording of another rambling. This time, it's Lord Garmadon's appearance in the LEGO Ninjago Movie. Actually, it's more of a rant. Let's listen.

Lord Garmadon: Let me begin this rant by telling you how much I hate the LEGO Ninjago Movie. Actually, I can't begin to tell you how much I hate the LEGO Ninjago Movie. Sure, they give me five variants for it, and I do love my PJs, but what kind of army do they give me? Well, you may remember that I had an army of skeletons called the Skulkin. They were really an awesome bunch of guys. I still find myself hanging out with Samukai most days. And my son unleashed the five Serpentine tribes, but I didn't really have anything to do with it. Or did I. If it wasn't for Lloyd, who STILL hasn't fought in Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid yet after two and a half seasons, we wouln't have the Pythor and Fangpyre Biker Club memes. I'm getting off topic on a public rant. Anyway, instead of giving me an awesome new army, or even reviving the Skulkin (Ha, like they can't revive. They're skeletons!), the LEGO Ninjago Movie gave me a shark army. A SHARK ARMY, for crying out loud! How lame! And unoriginal! I mean, the idea of a shark army is like, NINE YEARS OLD! It started with Break Jaw in the Agents theme. Remember 8633 Speedboat Rescue? Okay, those were cyborg sharks. Big deal. Break Jaw tried to rear up an army of cuborg sharks to eat Agent Trace, but her high school sweetheart named Chase defeated them. Oh, and he also had an army of cyborg crocodiles, but no one talks about that. Then there was Atlantis. At least they used real sharks. But they were Atlanteans. The Portal Emperor's shark statues were real enough. BUT THEY'RE STATUES! The whole "living statue" thing is getting old. In fact, wasn't Chang Wu one of the first to put it to good use? Then a cheap rip-off of Break Jaw named SharX (lame name, I know, but AntiMatter was on a budget) tried to rear up his own shark army, but he ended up with a lame prototype with the stupid name of "Sharkanator". He even treated him like a DOG. What if SharX finished his army? Would he treat all his shark soldiers like dogs? Oh, and rumors are spreading that sharks can meow. LAME MYTH! If anything, sharks roar! So you see, I HATE THE IDEA OF A BRAND NEW SHARK ARMY! Sure, the movie may get big ratings, and I encourage the real world people to watch it, but no way are minifigures going to watch it! Actually, the whole "shark army" idea is nothing compared to what I have next. Remember that 1980-something spaceman from The LEGO Movie? Benny, I think his name was. He had a spaceship he called his "Spaceship, Spaceship, SPACESHIP!" Well, they game me a ship as well for this movie. Of all things, they make me a plagiarist. They called my ship "garmadon, Garmadon, GARMADON!" WHAT A RIPOFF TITLE! Of course, instead of making it all samurai or ninja-like, IT'S SHAPED LIKE A SHARK. HOW UNORIGINAL! So far, I've said the word "shark" 15 times. Now 16. Can't they at least make me an imposing villain threat? Or can't they keep me in my Sensei form? I mean, this movie isn't even in the regular continuity of Ninjago. It's a lame spinoff that I fear will get a sequel. Now that I've given you all nightmares on what's to come, I advise that you stock up on prep and evacuation kits, because my shark army is coming to Ninjago City. (I can't believe I just said that.) If you live anywhere else, don't do anything, but that doesn't mean I won't come and get you. But if you live in Ninjago City, GET OUT NOW, because it's being completely renovated for the movie. Oh, and I hear that the LEGO Ninjago Movie modular building isn't bad. Another thing I want to complain about is the name of the Ultimate Ultimate Weapon. Did a kid name that set? Then again, countless LEGO builders are kids at heart, so I shouldn't be so harsh there. But why have an Ultimate Ultimate weapon when I can have the Mega Weapon that isn't even classified as a "weapon"? And one more thing: Kai's Fire Mech is not completely posable. Good for me, bad for him. Anyway, that's it for the LEGO Ninjago Movie rant. Next time on Garmadon's Rants: Why was the Old Fishing Store picked over the Jedi High Council Chamber? Goodnight, everyone.

Wyldstyle: That's the end of that monologue, but look! M-OC's monologue is still going on!

M-OC: -hardly think that Basil should be a Bat Lord, understanding that he has a dragon rather than a bat. But uncovering his helmet reveals a rather friendly face. This is quite a mystery. Likewise, Curtis Bolt's Secret Intel is hardly secret, understanding that he personally leaked it to the real world. Even Jack Fury and Solomon Blaze were present in these leaks. They were later revealed to be fakes. How Curtis Bolt was not fired is beyond me. Basil the Bat Lord is capable of deconstructing things, as well as sicking his dragon Draco onto his enemies while he goes to a fast food restaurant, namely, Axel's. No wait, that's a bar & grill. Curtis, on the other hand, is capable of using his Ultra Agent technology to bring down his opponents. He, however, failed miserably to defeat Toxikita, and should therefore be fired. I, however, am different. The Emperor should have destroyed me as soon as I lost Rowan Freemaker the first time, but it was not in my databanks that he wields a lightsaber. So maybe second time's the charm for Curtis Bolt. My final prediction goes to Basil the Bat Lord. Curtis only knows how to handle technology, but he has no experience whatsoever against anything of the medieval kind. I thank you for staing awake for the eighteen minutes that I gave this analysis. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to enslave/destroy Rowan Freemaker.

He flies away, making another hole in the wall.

Amset-Ra: ...

Wyldstyle: ...

Tee-Vee: ...

Audience: Zzz...

Amset-Ra: Oh well, they can sleep through the fight. After all, ARFP is a boooooring place, am I right?

Wyldstyle: Zzz...

Amset-Ra: Well, in addition to ejecting the seat in the announcer's booth, I can make it vibrate instead!

V-I-B-R-A-T-E-!

Wyldstyle: I-I-I'm awa-a-ake!

Amset-Ra: Good. I should add one of those for all the audience seats. Since I've learned my lesson from that priest, I'll do it the right way. O mighty Tee-Vee, I beseech you to start this battle!

Priest of the Tee-Vee: Add in the adjectives, and you got it.

Tee-Vee: Battle:start.

Curtis: Don't bother summoning your dragon, Basil.

Basil: Commandest thou not the Bat Lord, knave. Draco, I summon thee!

Wyldstyle: And Basil has called in his famous black dragon! Now he's going to ride it!

Basil: Woe unto thee, thou stupid saddle! Why canst thou be straight?

Curtis: Summoning Invisidrone.

Psyclone: Impossible! The video walkthrough of the Ultra Agents App clearly shows that I destroyed it!

Curtis: This is the Invisidrone 2.0. More deadly, sneaky, and invisible than before.

Wyldstyle: I can't quite tell what the Invisidrone is doing. I don't think I can see it clearly.

Basil: I know not where thy Invisidrone is, but I shall smite everywhere till it falleth from the sky!

Curtis: Construct.

CLICKCLICK

Wyldstyle: Not the usual CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK because this is a tiny model. Curtis built a lawn chair to recline in while he toys with Basil.

Basil: Toy thou not with the Bat Lord, knave. Draco, roast thy foes.

FWOOOOOOOM!

Curtis: You missed. Invisidrone, fire.

PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW!

ROOOOAR!

Basil: Attack thou not the Bat Lord, knave.

Wyldstyle: After dodging a fiery blast from Draco, Curtis' Invisidrone is shooting at Basil, but hit Draco instead!

Basil: Draco, thou shalt be avenged. Hear thou now this: I shall now avenge Draco with the blood of a thousand-

Curtis: What are you talking about? There's no blood in LEGO.

Basil: Thou art right, futurekind.

''SWIPE! BAM!''

Curtis: Oh no! I lost the Invisidrone!

Jack Fury: *coughplagiaristcough*

Basil: And thou shalt lose the match as swiftly.

Wyldstyle: With a lucky hit, Basil knocked the Invisidrone out of the arena!

Curtis: Good thing I have my jet from Set #70171.

CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK

Basil: Impress not the Bat Lord, knave. Thy jet set is no match for the vintage form that is Basil the Bat Lord!

Curtis: You're boasting again. That gives me an opening.

WARM UP ENGINES!

Basil: Draco, roast thy foes!

FWOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Curtis: Nice try. After that whole Infearno thing in the app, we took precautions against fire.

Basil: What ails thee, mah boi? Crush thy foes!

CRUSH!

Curtis: Force field...

Basil: An irrelevant topic, futurekind.

Curtis: Now it's my turn.

ZARKZARKZARKZARKZARKZARKZARKZARK!

Basil: Nooooooo! I shalt be back!

Tee-Vee: Winner:Curtis Bolt.

Wyldstyle: And that was impressive. When in doubt, just open fire in every conceivable direction, including the opposite of upside down below left. Oh, and Basil fled the arena classic villain style.

Terabyte: Technically, the opposite of upside down below left is rightside up above right.

Wyldstyle: You just rotated the direction 180 degrees.

Terabyte: I'm a hacker, not a 3D artist!

Wyldstyle: Then practice.

Invizable: Like me.

The Plumber is making a house call.

Grandma: Thank goodness you've arrived. The kitchen sink has been clogged for days. Can you fix it for poor old me?

Plumber: Sure thing.

''He walks inside and investigates the sink. After crawling under the sink and loosening the pipes, his eyes widen.''

Plumber: We got a leak! We got a leak!

Grandma: Oh, that's terrible! Can you fix that?

Plumber: It's not water! It's the 2018 LEGO set list! Someone has the catalog!

He quickly reconnects the pipes, tests the water (it works fine), takes the Grandma's money, and flies his hovercraft over to Terabyte's house (being a plumber really pays off. Also, Terabyte's a leaker).

See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle.

How much did you enjoy Basil the Bat Lord vs. Curtis Bolt? 1 (Least) 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (Most)