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This is the second battle written in the year of the optometrist. Hopefully not the last, though you never know.
Season 3, Round 1, Battle 50 (143rd battle overall)
Written by Surtatb2007 on February 25, 2020
The Announcer

Harry Potter
The Referee

Ronald Weasley
The Predictor

Hermione Granger
The Red Corner
Move over, AntiMatter, here is the real master of portals!

Rank 41; 1-0
Nominated by Punctuation Penguin
The Green Corner
Watch your backs. Despite his appearances, he's quite a slippery one.

Nominated by Punctuation Penguin
The Yellow Corner
General Grievous
General Grievous
He will succeed where Galen Marek has failed... just as soon as I acquire his awesome lightsaber collection from the black market.

Unranked; 0-1
Nominated by Ozone
The Blue Corner
Mr. E
Can someone this awesome get Garmadon insurance or something? Or ninja insurance?

Nominated by NexoByte

Before the Battle

In the ARFP Cafeteria...

Toxikita: Amset-Ra doesn't value my services. I slave over his food, mix in my secret essential acids, and he claims he gets indigestion from them!

Gourmet Chef: Uh-huh.

Toxikita: The nerve of ancient Egyptian Pharaohs who don't like my poisons!

Gourmet Chef: Uh-huh.

Toxikita: I'll teach him a lesson! I'll show Amset-Ra that no one out-poisons the radioactive criminal mastermind!

Gourmet Chef: Uh-huh.

Toxikita: Are you listening?

Gourmet Chef: Uh-huh.

Toxikita: Good.

Gourmet Chef: Uh-huh.

Later that day...

Toxikita: What would you like for your 23rd breakfast, Amset-Ra?

Amset-Ra: Do you have three scoops of double chocolate chunk ice cream with extra chocolate sauce?

Toxikita: We only have banana ice cream left. You ate all of the other ice cream already.

Amset-Ra: Fine. Banana ice cream it is.

In the kitchens...

Toxikita: I'm sooooooooooo over this job. I'd admit that being head chef has its perks, but trying to appease and bottomless gorge of ice cream sundaes, Big Macs, and Subway Footlongs is nigh impossible. No one appreciates my cooking talent. I didn't go to the Aprender a Cocinar School of Cooking for nothing.

???: I appreciate you.

Toxikita: Who's that?

???: Nobody.

Toxikita: I met a Nobody once. Very dull. His favorite color was grey. Lived on a yellow submarine.

???: I'm not a nobody. I'm Nobody.

Toxikita: What type of name is Nobody? You need a name.

???: I've never had a name before.

Toxikita: What are your parent's names?

???: I don't know.

Toxikita: They never told you?

???: They couldn't speak.

Toxikita: Really?

???: I was the first of my kind to talk. In fact, I only learned how to speak today.

Toxikita: Hold the bucket of nuclear warheads.

???: Huh?

Toxikita: You're banana ice cream!

???: Please don't feed me to that slob!

Toxikita: Don't worry. I won't.

???: Thank you.

Toxikita: You need a name. It's getting really annoying to type in "???" every time I want to speak to you.

The fourth wall in the cafeteria crumbles and crushes the bowl that the banana ice cream is in.

Toxikita: Oh no! Your bowl broke. Here! I'll pick you up.

Toxikita tries to pick the banana ice cream, though it slips out of her hands.

???: Help me! I'm melting! I'm melting!

Wicked Witch: Hey! That's my line!

Toxikita: Can you help us, Wicked Witch?

Wicked Witch: I can. For a price.

Toxikita: What? I'll do anything.

A symphony starts playing. The lights dim. A spotlight shines on Toxikita.

Wicked Witch: Repeat after me.

Toxikita: Repeat after me.

Wicked Witch: No, not that!

Toxikita: No, not that!

Wicked Witch: Grrrr! Forget about it!

Toxikita: Grrrr! Forget about it!

Wicked Witch: STOP COPYING ME!

Toxikita: STOP COPY- oh. Sorry.

Wicked Witch: What do you want me to do?

Toxikita: I need you to save this banana ice cream.

Wicked Witch: Come again?

???: I'm melting!

Wicked Witch: Fine. Queen of Ice Cream, Prince of Banana Splits, turn this Banana Ice Cream into a creature that is very legit!

There is a burst of bright light. A bright star swirled around the floor, absorbing the melting essence of ???. In another burst of bright light, a huge brick-built banana stands in the center of the kitchen.

Wicked Witch: My service here is done. Goodbye.

The Wicked Witch flies off.

???: I can walk now! And talk! Hooray!

??? runs through the cafeteria, enjoying his newfound freedom.

Toxikita: About that name. How about Banarnar. Like Banana. But Banarnar.

Banarnar: B. A-N-A R-N A-R. Banarnar.

Toxikita: I need you to do me a favor.

Banarnar: What? I'll do anything for my creator.

Banarnar bows to Toxikita.

Toxikita: I need you to fight in the next battle.

Banarnar: Sure! I'll show Amset-Ra that banana ice cream can do more than cause him gastric distress.

Toxikita: Didn't need to know that, but okay.

The Battle

Harry Potter: For only 20,000 Gold Bricks, these swag glasses that look like they are from the 1950s can be yours! In four simple installments of 5,000 gold bricks, these glasses will be delivered to your doorstep.

Amset-Ra: What are you doing? My fighting pyramid is not to be turned into some cheap advertising gimmick!

Hermione Granger: In actuality, sir, we are in debt twenty trillion purple studs. We had an advertisement for the next Grundal 5 concert in ages.

Amset-Ra: I knew I never should have let Dumbledore trick me into letting students from Hogwarts intern here...

Harry Potter: Anyways, sir, it's the year of the optometrist. They have a Buy 1 Get 1 Free sale on glasses. Which, from the looks of it, you might need.

Amset-Ra: What did you just say?

Harry Potter: Unfortunately, we don't sell hearing aids.

Amset-Ra: Insolent brat.

Ron Weasley: Has anyone seen my rat?

Amset-Ra: No, I said brat!

Ron Weasley: Who's a brat?

Amset-Ra: Forget about it.

Harry Potter: See! I told you that you need hearing aids.

Amset-Ra: Grrrrr. Just start the battle already.

Harry Potter: This battle is brought to you by the Grundal 5. There new album, Grundalicious, comes out on March 21st. And in the red corner, the savior of our glorious fighting pyramid, and someone who definitely should've been an astronaut. Chell!

Chell: Hello, ladies and gentlemen! It's great to be back. Even greater than backflipping through twenty consecutive portals in anti-gravity.

Harry Potter: Uh... Ok. I'm sure that's pretty great. Moving on... In the green corner, we have a new magical mutant fruit.

Hermione Granger: Uh, actually, that's not possible. Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration clearly states that food cannot be transformed.

Banarnar: And yet, here we are.

Harry Potter: Very true. In the yellow corner, we have a robot with such an inferiority complex that he needs not one, not two, not three, but four lightsabers!

General Grievous: Actually, the Separatists' top engineers are working on giving me double-bladed lightsabers. They say it will increase my killing power by 85%.

Harry Potter: I look forward to that. Well, next up, in the blue corner, we have the leader of an international crime syndicate, recently arrested by the CIA.

Mr. E: Whoever this Cia girl is, I had nothing to do with her.

Harry Potter: Oops. Wrong literary series. You're the guy who resurrected the Lord of Destruction, who then killed you for failing in your mission. Rough.

Mr. E: Rough has nothing do with it. Imagine being torn limb for limb, fully conscious, unable to shut off your pain receptors...

Harry Potter: I don't have pain receptors.

Mr. E: I'm sure I could find them for you.

Harry Potter: Anyways, onto the predictor.

Hermione Granger: Based off the fact that Banarnar is a magical anomaly, I predict the threads of the universe will unravel, and ultimately explode, killing us all.

Amset-Ra: That's not a prediction. Tell me who's going to win.

Hermione Granger: I could travel into the future, but I would need a time machine.

Someone in the audience stands up.

The Doctor: I could lend you my TARDIS.

Amset-Ra: No! Not the TARDIS! I've had enough of those traitors for many lifetimes. And believe me, my lifetimes are long.

The Doctor: I know. I've been reincarnated 14 different times.

Amset-Ra: Guards! Arrest this traitor!

Death Troopers descend on the Doctor, handcuff her, and bring her to the dungeon.

Ogel: Hello. Fresh meat?

The Doctor: I'm 100% inedible. Taste horrible.

Ogel: Not you! I only eat bloodied orangatangues.

The Doctor: And that is when I know I'm dealing with psychopaths.

Ogel: Takes one to know one.

Back in the arena...

Hermione Granger: The ability to teleport is a high-level spell, on castable by a very powerful witch. If Chell has anymore magical talents, she will surely win the fight.

General Grievous: There is no need for magic when you have lightsabers. I bet I could take on four wizards easy.

Ron Weasley: I'm not sure about that.

General Grievous: You want to try?

Ron Weasley: I'm good.

General Grievous: Shame. I could've used another redhead to add to my collection.

Ron blasts General Grievous with his wand, singing his outer armor.

General Grievous: Hey! Judge! I call interference!

Ron Weasley: I am the judge. And I doubt you'll have much luck fighting my ruling!

Mr. E draws a sword a swiftly chops off one of General Grievous's appendages.

Ron Weasley: Hey! Foul play!

Mr. E: The fight has already begun. The damage has been done.

Ron Weasley: What is he saying?

Sword: You declared the beginning of the battle by using the word "fight." Under the Battle Writer Contract of Season 1, the battle has officially begun.

Mr. E: Tough luck.

General Grievous: So what's the deal with you? Are you actually a sword?

Sword: I am the spirit of Amset-Ra's first khopesh.

General Grievous: Can you turn back.

Sword: Only in the hands of a being of extreme power.

General Grievous: Let's test that out.

One of General Grievous's arms extends outwards and grabs Sword from the audience. Sword transforms into a golden khopesh.

Banarnar: Take that! And that! And that!

General Grievous: You are as scary as a banana.

Banarnar: I am a banana.

General Grievous: If I could eat, I would bake you into banana bread and devour you!

Banarnar: That is what is known in the food biz as an empty threat.

General Grievous: You know what isn't an empty threat? My new sword. Prepare to become banana soufflé!

Harry Potter: I guess everyone will have free dessert tonight, thanks to General Grievous. Banarnar appears to be nothing more than banana paste.

The banana paste begins to reform into a giant towering monster.


Ron Weasley: How can you kill something that keeps coming back bigger? I may as well just call the battle now.

Chell: Not so fast.

Chell blasts Banarnar with her portal gun, splitting him into a million pieces across a million dimensions.

Chell: It will take a billion light-years for all of the pieces of Banarnar to find each other. Is that good enough for you?

Ron Weasley: With no pesky lawyers that are really ancient weapons of mass destruction to intervene, I'd have to say so. Banarnar is eliminated!

General Grievous: It's just you and me now, girl.

General Grievous spins his arms menacingly and moves forward. Chell promptly teleports behind General Grievous.

Harry Potter: The old bait-and-switch! A classic battle tactic!

Chell is about to strike General Grievous in the back when she slips.

Harry Potter: Ouch! That must've hurt. Chell slipped on a banana peel!

Banarnar: Hey! That's, like, 1/1,000,000th of me! Am I still in the fight?

Ron Weasley: What the place of eternal torture, otherwise known as the ARFP Cafeteria Line. Sure. Rejoin the fight.

Harry Potter: General Grievous swings around and narrowly misses Chell!

General Grievous: Prepare for extermination. All human life must be exterminated.

Ron Weasley: Are you sure all human life? I mean, you can kill Malfoy if you want. But at least keep me around. And Harry too. And Hermione.

Hermione Granger: Hey!

General Grievous slashes at Chell. Chell quickly opens up a portal, blocking the blow and sending the sword into General Grievous's back.

General Grievous: Powering down. Powering down. PoWeRiNg dOwN.

Harry Potter: General Grievous seems to have been shut down. I believe that means he is eliminated.

Ron Weasley: I could buy that.

Chell: Who's next? Is it that banana slimeball?

Banarnar: Hey! Watch who you're calling a slimeball.

Chell: Where are you? Show yourself, you rotten fruit snack!

Chell stomps around the arena, looking for Banarnar.

Chell: Judge! This can't be fair! Tell him to stop hiding!

Chell moves closer to the Announcer Booth.

Chell: Come and fight me, you coward!

Chell takes another step, slips on a banana peel, and one toe slides out of the arena.

Ron Weasley: *blowing whistle* TWEET TWEET TWEET! Chell stepped out of the arena! She is eliminated! Banarnar is the-

Harry Potter: Wait? What about Mr. E?

Ron Weasley: Where is he?

Mr. E: I am standing so still that I am invisible.

Ogel walks into the stadium.

Ogel: Hey, Mr. E! Nice seeing you here.

Mr E.: Grrr.

Amset-Ra: Guards! Bring Ogel back to the dungeons.

Two death troopers drag Ogel away.

Harry Potter: It is a fight to the death! The most intense ever scene in the five years of the ARFP! The one between a mushy banana and whatever Mr. E is!

Banarnar: You're the lamest fighter ever! All you do is stand there! Bite me!

Mr. E: Sure. *gulp*

Harry Potter: Uhhhh? Well that just happened.

Ron Weasley: Mr. E wins!

After the Battle

In the TMNT lair in the sewers...

Michelangelo: Pizza delivery!

Leonardo: Finally! I'm starving.

Raphael: Why does it smell like banana?

End transmission.

The Winner
Mr. E
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See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle.

How much did you enjoy Chell vs. Banarnar vs. General Grievous vs. Mr. E?

The poll was created at 03:43 on February 27, 2020, and so far 0 people voted.
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