<Previous Battle Next Battle>
This will be the fastest battle alive! Or so we hope...
Season 3, Round 1, Battle 20 (106th battle overall)
Written by Nexobyte on November 22, 2016
The Announcer

The Referee

Tee-Vee Dalek
The Predictor

The Red Corner
Pharaoh Hotep
Pharaoh Hotep
No one should ever mess with my dad. Not even the fastest thing alive or even the holiest machine alive.

Rank 31; 1-0
Nominated by NexoByte
The Green Corner
Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic the Hedgehog
Way past cool? I'd say he would be even cooler if he decides to check out Sir Fangar's frozen collection.

Nominated by NexoByte
The Yellow Corner
This is going to be a match of the ages, with Tee-Vee here to provide most (all) of the fun.

Rank 2; 4-0
Nominated by Punctuation Penguin
The Blue Corner

Nominated by

Before the Battle

Amset-Ra is wrestling with In-Sayne, his Sphinx, outside the pyramid.

Amset-Ra: This is harder than - oof! - fighting the TARDIS!¹

¹See the second half of last season.

Speaking of the TARDIS, it materializes in the parking lot. Amset-Ra runs over.

Amset-Ra: I haven't seen the Doctor in ages! I wonder how he's doing?

The door opens and the Twelfth Doctor and Clara Oswald emerge.

Amset-Ra: Excuse me, but could you please move your TARDIS off of the No Parking zone?

The Doctor: My apologies, but I need to hide. One of my newer enemies is after me. If my calculations are correct, he should arrive about... now.

Suddenly, another police box materializes next to the TARDIS. This is the SIDRAT, which is red in color. It is covered in strange markings.

The Doctor and Clara rush inside the pyramid just as the door to the SIDRAT opens. Out steps an Old wearing a mad scientist's labcoat. His name is Oodlum.

Oodlum: Hahahahahahaha! Now I can take over the pyramid! Get him, Daleks! Remember: Operation SLEEP!

Six Daleks emerge from the SIDRAT.


Amset-Ra: The Daleks' voices are getting annoying already...

Amset-Ra: You just aren't doing well at being a supervillain, aren't you?

Oodlum: But I read all the classic books...

Amset-Ra: If I were you, I would send more Daleks with me, and maybe a few Weeping Angels, and surround the pyramid, and send the Daleks in the front and back doors. Oh, and Oods are telepathic.

Oodlum: Hey, you're good! Can I work for you?

Amset-Ra: I think we can work something out.

Suddenly, Sonic the Hedgehog appears.

Amset-Ra: How'd you get here?

Sonic: Chaos Control.

Amset-Ra: You're just in time for your match. But we have a little Dalek problem. Can you handle it for us?

Sonic: Daleks? Why, that'll be easy!

He runs inside the pyramid at breakneck speed, causing Amset-Ra's crown to fly in Oodlum's face. Amset-Ra goes inside as well, and proceeds down one of the adjacent halls. He knocks on one of the doors.

Voice: Come in.

Amset-Ra enters Dr. Inferno's lab. He is working on a robot series of some kind.

Amset-Ra: How are the Fearamids coming along?

Dr. Inferno: Almost done. Just need to add the last few bits of code...

A few minutes later...

Dr. Inferno: Done!

The Fearamid is a pyramid-shaped robot with a laser cannon just behind a hole in the front.

Soon, the mass production begins, and soon, there are fifty Fearamids.

Amset-Ra: Now let's go help Sonic.

Dr. Inferno: Wait, Sonic's here? I hate that hedgehog!

He faints.

Amset-Ra: Let's go, army.

Eight Fearamids accompany Amset-Ra out of the lab. But just as he turns the corner, he runs into a pile of smashed Daleks.

Amset-Ra: But there were only six...

Oodlum: Didn't you know the SIDRAT is also a time-travelling factory?

Amset-Ra: Oh... More Fearamids! More Fearamids!

Oodlum: More Daleks! More Daleks!

Sonic: More Chaos Emeralds! More Chaos Emeralds! Gotta go fast!

He sprints to his locker room, blowing up the rest of the nearby Daleks.

Oodlum: No fair! He's way too cool for me!

Amset-Ra: As am I. CORONA!

Woohoo! Two "Before the Battle" sections in one match!

Amset-Ra:' I wonder who that Oodlum was... Waitaminute! I gotta be careful what I say! When I asked myself who the TARDIS were, I was captured by them until the end of the season! I can't risk that happening again!

???: You wonder who we are?

Shadowy hands grab Amset-Ra and carry him into the darkness.

Amset-Ra: Eeek!




???: Greetings, desert worm. I am Oodlum.

Let's try that again...

???: Greetings, desert worm. I am Oodlum.

Not like that.

Amset-Ra heads to his office.

Amset-Ra: Sonic the Hedgehog... Dad... Tee-Vee... All in one match... I must be dreaming again...

Pharaoh Hotep: But you're not dreaming, son. See, I got my Re-Gou Ruby back. The Adventurers, Jek-14, and Queen Hepatitis are all in jail – everything is back to normal now.

Amset-Ra: (Not quite...)

Pharaoh Hotep leaves. Suddenly, Amset-Ra has a belated double take.

Amset-Ra: Wait, TEE-VEE'S FIGHTING?! His record will be blemished!

Tee-Vee: Incorrect.

Priest of the Tee-Vee: You see, I made a few modifications...

Amset-Ra: Wait, what?

Priest of the Tee-Vee: Check out this admirable AA gun...

Amset-Ra: But that's cheating!

Priest of the Tee-Vee: ...and this benevolent bulletproof paint...

Amset-Ra: You're not supposed to know who your opponents are until you're in the ring!

Priest of the Tee-Vee: ...and this cherished cutter blade...

And this goes on until he gets to Z, and he repeats it in other languages, including Hutt. He somehow accomplishes this in 12½ minutes.

Soon after...

Amset-Ra: I haven't run into Sonic yet during this section.

He enters the stadium.

Amset-Ra: What...? He's already in the ring? And with a chili dog? I gotta go get one!

He bumps into Pharaoh Hotep.

Pharaoh Hotep: I'm not ready yet! I still have to shower!

Amset-Ra: Try the Toxic Tank. There's a Jokerland down the street.

Pharaoh Hotep: That joke was used already.

He rushes off.

Amset-Ra: I wonder what happened to Oodlum...

Oodlum falls on the nearby concession stand.

Amset-Ra: Don't you know how much you resemble Plo Koon?

Plo Koon falls on Oodlum, but he's dead already because, you know, Order 66 and stuff.

Amset-Ra: I think our author is getting bored. Welp, off to the battle!

The Battle (Finally!)

Wyldstyle: Welcome to Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid! I know some of you weren't able to make it into the stadium due to the pile of wrecked Daleks in the main hallway, but who cares? Not me! You can listen through the Decibel-brand speakers in the hallway! Silence is deafening, and so are they!

In the hallway...


Back in the stadium...

Wyldstyle: I believe this is going to be the match of the season! So let's introduce the fighters! In the Red Corner is ours very own cofounder, who recently reobtained his Re-Gou Ruby, PHARAOH HOTEP!

Pharaoh Hotep: Yes! With this new and improved Re-Gou Ruby, I will dominate the competition!

Wyldstyle: In the Green Corner, meet the fastest thing alive! SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!

Sonic: That's no Re-Gou Ruby, that's a Chaos Emerald! Now hand it over!

"Pharaoh Hotep:' No... It can't be...

He hands it over.

Pharaoh Hotep: Wait a minute... I had the Re-Gou Ruby in my pocket the whole time!

Wyldstyle: A happy ending to a pointless story. In the Yellow Corner, the amazing, beneficial, caring, divine, encouraging, etc. TEE-VEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tee-Vee: Chance of winning = 10000%.

Sonic: What makes you so sure?

Tee-Vee: This unit is equipped with 26 weapons, from Admirable AA Gun to Zealous Zinger.

The Priest of the Tee-Vee enters and hands Wyldstyle a pamphlet.

Priest of the Tee-Vee: Read this to the audience!

Wyldstyle: The following is a list of weapons and tactics used by Tee-Veeus Maximus, which is the evolved Tee-Vee:

  • Admirable AA Gun
  • Benevolent Bulletproof Paint
  • Cherished Cutter Blade
  • Divine Doomsday Beam
  • Enchanting Earthquake Maker
  • Flamboyant Force Field
  • Generous Goo Spray
  • Holy Harpoon, Batman!
  • Ingenious Ice Ray
  • Jovial Jet Engine
  • Kissable Kite Rain
  • Lovable Lightning
  • Matchless Mind Control
  • Nice Napalm
  • Open Octo Lasers
  • Passionate Portal
  • Quirky Quick Maker
  • Redeeming Radar
  • Sublime Screen
  • True Titanium Hammer
  • Unifying Undermining Miner Drill
  • Viridescent Violent Swarm
  • Winning Whirlwind
  • Xenodochial X-Ray
  • Youthful Yo-Yos
  • Zealous Zinger

Do not underestimate Tee-Veeus Maximus... or else!

Priest of the Tee-Vee: Thank you.


Wyldstyle: No gore for you wild animals today. Ogel, make your prediction, and if it isn't Tee-Vee, you'll be Chaos Controlled into a pit of wild pirates. Choose your fighter.

Ogel: Let's see... hmm... I'll pick... oh, I don't know... Tee-Vee?

Overhead Speaker: WRONG!

Wyldstyle: Aww, I'm sorry, but you didn't read the fine print. It said that the rules don't apply to Ogel, who would have to be disposed of anyway.


Wyldstyle: Wait... If Tee-Vee's fighting, then who’s the ref?


Wyldstyle: Someone get me some noise-cancelling headphones. And start the match.


Pharaoh Hotep: Ah, here's a move I didn't think of until just mo- OOF!

Sonic: Less talk, more action, slowpoke!

Wyldstyle: Sonic opened up by spin-dashing into Pharaoh Hotep while he was preparing an attack!

Sonic: And while you were saying all that, I just tied up this walking television over here- huh?

Tee-Vee: Initiating Cherished Cutter Blade.


Tee-Vee: Status = Free.

Wyldstyle: And Tee-Vee freed himself from the ropes! And now it looks like Pharaoh Hotep has just fitted the Re-Gou Ruby to his crown!

Pharaoh Hotep: Now I have become more powerful than MY OWN SON. RE-GOU CORONA!


Sonic: Too slow, old-timer!

Tee-Vee: Calculated beam speed = 55mph.

Pharaoh Hotep: That is slow... And yet my son's corona travels at just under 300mph...

Wyldstyle: You mean the Re-Gou Ruby makes your beam about five times as slow?

Pharaoh Hotep: No, my crown is getting old and rus- OOF!

Sonic: Are you even trying, Hotep!

Pharaoh Hotep: Urgh... I have not yet begun to fight!

John Paul Jones: Plagiarist!

Priest of the Tee-Vee: Sinner!


Wyldstyle: Don't interfere!

Retox: Toxie!

Toxikita: ...

Tee-Vee: Initiating Nice Napalm.


Pharaoh Hotep: ARGH! The fire! It burrrrrns!

Sonic:' Couldn't you be more redundant, old-timer?

Pharaoh Hotep: Yes.

Tails: Sonic! Catch!

Priest of the Tee-Vee: No!


Ganon: Or else you will die!

Priest of the Tee-Vee: You're not a LEGO character!


Anubis Guard: We don't take too kindly to interferers around here.

Tails: But interference was allowed in Mantizoid vs. Frenzy!

Anubis Guard: Yeah, but that was right before Invisible was punished for that. Jerry should have won that match.

Back in the ring...

Pharaoh Hotep: Mercy!

Sonic: After you'ves scrubbed all the floors in this pyramid, then we can talk about mercy!

Wyldstyle: Cut it out with the Zelda CD-i references, ma boi! Oh, and Sonic has Hotep on the floor!

Tee-Vee: Initiating Passionate Portal.


Pharaoh Hotep: Noooooooo...



Wyldstyle: That. Was. AWESOME! As Tee-Vee has just proved to us, everything is awesome, even being sucked into portals!

Sonic: Nice work, television. Now I have no one to to with. Except for you, maybe...

Tee-Vee: Initiating Flamboyant Force Field. Initiating True Titanium Hammer.

Clang! Clang! Bam!

Sonic: Whoa, you could have hit someone with that thing! You sure Amy didn't teach you a move of two?

Tee-Vee: Negative. I am self-programmed.

Sonic: I bet they didn't program you to dodge THIS!


Tee-Vee: Damage = Critical.

Wyldstyle: Tee-Vee has taken critical damage from Sonic's trademark Spin Dash! What will he do now?

Tee-Vee: Initiating Sublime Screen.



Wyldstyle: That was quite a match. Who knew Tee-Vee was capable of Chaos Control?

Priest of the Tee-Vee: I did. I programmed him with that power specially for this match. I worked so well, I've decided to keep it.

Wyldstyle: Here we go again with another Tee-Vee winning streak...

After the Battle

Amset-Ra is heading back to his office after another exhilarating match. Suddenly a blur runs by him.

Amset-Ra: Stop!

The object stops. It's Frenzy.

Amset-Ra: Why are you wearing Sonic's sneakers?

Frenzy: So I can get to the Thankstaking turkey FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amset-Ra: Right. Thankstaking. Well too bad because it's locked in my closet with a combination lock.

Frenzy: It's a good thing I take GARLIC PILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He races to Amset-Ra's closet and breathes on the lock, melting it. He grabs the turkey and runs. Suddenly he stumbles over a tripwire that Amset-Ra had set up in the doorway. Amset-Ra grabs the turkey and runs.

Amset-Ra: Here's to another pointless ending!

The Winner
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See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle.

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