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This could be a battle... But then again... I just wish someone would tell me...
Season 3, Round 1, Battle 28 (114th battle overall)
Written by Nexobyte on March 3, 2017
The Announcer

Wyldstyle (again)
The Referee

Tee-Vee (again)
The Predictor

NOT Ogel. Someone way better.
The Red Corner
Polka Dot Man
Polka Dot Man
I've spotted a potential Round 3 contender!

Rank 22; 2-0
Nominated by Punctuation Penguin
The Green Corner

Nominated by
The Yellow Corner

Nominated by
The Blue Corner
Captain Brickbeard
Captain Brickbeard
Definitely in it to win it. He is a modern classic.

Nominated by Punctuation Penguin

Before the Battle

We see Pharaoh Hotep in the basement with the lights off. He is talking to OSIRIS, the Operating System with Integrated Radar and Imaging Screen. Built from the ground up by Pharaoh Hotep himself (with some help from Dr. Inferno), OSIRIS is a supercomputer that resembles the ENIAC from the real world.

Pharaoh Hotep: Mirror, mirror, on the wall Who's winning the LEGO City mayoral election?

OSIRIS: The election has ended 3 months, 2 weeks, 2 days, 18 hours, 33 minutes, and 4 seconds ago, Pharaoh Hotep. Clutch Powers won the election with 16,325 votes over his opponent, Evil Eye.

Pharaoh Hotep: So that's where Sam Sinister went.

OSIRIS: Sam Sinister does not exist.

Pharaoh Hotep: What?! Well, what about Evil Eye?

OSIRIS: Evil Eye does not exist.

Pharaoh Hotep: He must have changed his name again! Well, I haven't seen him around lately. He must have really changed his appearance. Wait a minute, that guy I saw earlier looked familiar...


Pharaoh Hotep: Say, Master Chen, your noodles taste a little different today. What's your secret?

Master Chen: Well, I decided to cut back on the pepper, you know, it kinda makes people sneeze. I'm trying to patent the recipe so people like the Priest of the Tee-Vee don't steal it.

Pharaoh Hotep: Ah. Oh, by the way, nice monocle!


Pharaoh Hotep: Sam Sinister looks like Master Chen now? Then where is the real Master Chen?


Amset-Ra: So you say a guy in a monocle knocked you out and stole your clothes?

Master Chen: Yes. I thought I heard him say his name was Baron von Barron.

Amset-Ra: Then that must be Sam Sinister! We haven't seen him in a while.

Suddenly a minifigure wearing a monocle brushes past them.

???: 'Scuse me, I'm late for my flight to Bueños Aires. I've got to finish packing my books.

Amset-Ra: That must have been him.

'Pharaoh Hotep runs up.

Amset-Ra: Do you know who that was, Dad?

Pharaoh Hotep: Yes. That was Mr. Hates.

Amset-Ra: Aka Sam Sinister.

They enter his room.

Amset-Ra: Okay, Sam Sinister, what's the big idea?

Sam Sinister: That's Lord Sam Sinister to you.

Amset-Ra: Ya know, adding "Lord" before your name doesn't make you any more evil.

Pharaoh Hotep: So why did you steal Master Chen's appearance.

"Lord" Sam Sinister: I haven't changed appearance since 2003. Master Chen actually looked cliché for once.

Amset-Ra: That's different. Enjoy your flight!

The Battle

Wyldstyle: Ladies, gentlemen, and not-so-gentle men, welcome to Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid, where Polka Dot Man, one of the most annoying minifigures around, will lose today!

Polka Dot Man: Wishful thinking.

Wyldstyle: This season has really been going on for too long.

Amset-Ra: So let's speed thing up a bit. Kai Chair, the Fast Forward Time Blade!

Chair puts the Time Blade into one of Amset-Ra's forty new generators, and suddenly everything is faster. In one minute, the match is already over and the fans are leaving.

Amset-Ra: That. Was. Awesome!

Emmet: Everything is awesome!

William Shakespeare: Not everything. Getting eaten by a T-Rex is not awesome. At least, not for the agent.

Emmet: But think of all the money he could find in the T-Rex's stomach!

William Shakespeare: You're making me sick. Perhaps I shouldn't have used that analogy.

The next day, at Axel's house...

Axel: Hey, why hasn't the battle been added to the database yet?!

The doorbell rings, and Kai enters.

Axel: How'd you get in here? I didn't even leave my seat!

Kai: I'm a ninja. I find my own ways in.

Axel: Listen, the latest battle hasn't even been added to the database yet. Usually they're added the day they're done. What's going on?

Kai: Amset-Ra had me put the Fast Forward Blade into one of his generators.

Axel: What? But I saw the match at normal speed!

Kai: The cameras didn't.

The doorbell rings again and Aaron Fox enters.

Kai: Oh, hey, DJ.

Aaron: I don't go by that name anymore.

Axel: Is there something wrong with my door? How do you guys keep getting in if I don't open the door?

Aaron: Magic, I guess. I filmed the whole match on my Brickplone Galaxy Note 7.

Axel: *facepalm*

It goes up in flames.

Aaron: Gah!

Kai: NYA!

She bursts through the ceiling and puts out the flames using her Spinjitzu moves.

Axel: Do you realize that my bedroom is right above this room? How did you even get in?

Nya: You left your window open...

Axel: Ah yes, it was for the Burgulars Anonymous Club meeting.

Aaron: WHAT?!

Kai: Who attended?

Axel: Just Bilbo Baggins. He claims to be a burgular.

Aaron: How much stuff did you lose?

Axel: Aside from the security camera in my bedroom, I don't know.

Nya: Time out! What does any of this have to do with the ARFP battle?

Axel: You knew what we were talking about?

Nya: These walls have ears. They're called the Ninja. Anyway, I got the whole thing on my Brickphone 13.

Kai: Unlucky!

Aaron: Get real, dude.

Nya: On the contrary, brother. It can track down individual mosquitoes, train me how to breakdance on the roof, and even make Belgian waffles. Axel, you got a USB cord lying around anywhere?

Axel: Oh, so we can upload the match? Only ARFP admin can do that. However, we can e-mail Amset-Ra the match.

Nya: Is he the only ARFP administrator?

Axel: No, there's also Dr. Inferno and Pharaoh Hotep.

The next day...

The Battle! Finally! As seen on the ARFP website! For real!

Wyldstyle: Ladies, gentlemen, and not-so-gentle men, welcome to Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid, where Polka Dot Man, one of the most annoying minifigures around, will lose today!

Polka Dot Man: Wishful thinking.

Wyldstyle: This season has really been going on for too long.

Amset-Ra: So let's speed thing up a bit. Kai Chair, the Fast Forward Time Blade!

Chair puts the Time Blade into one of Amset-Ra's forty new generators.

Wyldstyle: Now then! In the Red Corner, the guy in PJs who's surprised us all by refusing to lose those last two matches, Polka Dot Man.

Polka Dot Man: Oh come on, show some respect around here.

Amset-Ra: Nah.

Wyldstyle: In the Blue Corner, our only hope to keep things serious around here, the famous pirate from the Seven Seas, Captain Brickbeard!

Captain Brickbeard: Yar! I be ready when ye be, matey!

Amset-Ra: I already like him more than Metalbeard.

Wyldstyle: Yeah, I'd like to see the two of them fight in Round 2. As always (don't tell anyone that this is only our third time doing this), our predictor, the Cloud of Monstrox!

Amset-Ra: What an elegant suit, CoM.

CoM: I thank you heartily. Now, on to business. Polka Dot Man, the wimp he has proved to be, has won his prior matches by luck. Today, he will lose to the amazing Captain Brickbeard!


Wyldstyle: Hey, where's Ogel?

Amset-Ra: I sent him on a nice long vacation... to the Mirkwood Forest.


Ogel: Gah! I hate giant spiders! I'll get you for this, Amset-Ra!

Back at the match...

Amset-Ra: ...courtesy of Corona Airlines.

Wyldstyle: Ouch.

Amset-Ra: Not really. I covered his fees.

Wyldstyle: Tee-Vee?

Tee-Vee: Battle:start.

Polka Dot Man: Red Dots!

Captain Brickbeard: Oh, please! Ye can be doing better than that!

Polka Dot Man: Cocky now, are we?

Woosh woosh! Slice!

Captain Brickbeard: I been deal in' with saw blades all me life, landlubber. I call them shark's teeth.

Wyldstyle: Polka threw two sawblades at Brickbeard, who cut them with one expert cutlass swing!

Polka Dot Man: This is embarrassing.

Captain Brickbeard: You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Polka Dot Man: I should say the same about you, Brickbeard. Sun Dot!


Captain Brickbeard: Gah! The light! It burrrrrrrns!

Polka Dot Man: Hole Dot!


Polka Dot Man: How did you-?

Captain Brickbeard: There be nothin' wrong with me other eye. I just simply transferred me eye patch to me other eye, so I be see in' clearly again!

Polka Dot Man: You're gonna have to answer to your optometrist...

Captain Brickbeard: Let me know when ye start making' sense again.

Polka Dot Man: Flying Saucer Dot!

Captain Brickbeard: Ye be a spacelubber, too?!

Polka Dot Man: No, but you will be, once I transport you to parts unknown... like maybe... Phobos?

Captain Brickbeard: Ye mean that place with all them Martians?

Wyldstyle: I thought the Phobans lived on Mars...

Polka Dot Man: You're wrong, Brickbeard. The Martians live on Mars, duh, and they're from the Life on Mars theme.

Captain Brickbeard: Bah! I be not having' time for this! Construct!

Click click click click click

Wyldstyle: Look at the size of that new cannon!

Polka Dot Man: Ref! It's too big!

Tee-Vee: Mega weapons = allowed.

Polka Dot Man: It's nothing.

'He rips a black dot from his costume, which is quickly eaten by a shark that jumps from behind the mega cannon.

Polka Dot Man: No fair! Now his guts are gonna appear somewhere!

Captain Brickbeard: FIRE!

BOOM! Sizzle...

Tee-Vee: Winner = Captain Brickbeard.


Amset-Ra:' Chair, remove the blade.

He does.

Amset-Ra: This is gonna cause a really good mix-up soon. Next scene: tomorrow at Axel's house!

End transmission.

The Winner
Captain Brickbeard
Captain Brickbeard
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See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle.

How much did you enjoy Polka Dot Man vs. Captain Brickbeard?

The poll was created at 03:27 on January 27, 2018, and so far 0 people voted.
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