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What? Another battle so soon? Can it be...? And does this battle have... THANOS?
Season 3, Round 1, Battle 48 (141st battle overall)
Written by Ozone on September 24, 2019
The Announcer

The Referee

The Predictor

The Red Corner
Professor Brainstein
Professor Brainstein
Does the power of brainpower have what it takes to outlast Thanos and his Infinity Gaultlet?

Rank 39; 1-0
Nominated by Ozone
The Green Corner
Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln
With mercy toward none, with malice toward all...

Nominated by Punctuation Penguin
The Yellow Corner
The Great Devourer
The Great Devourer
With all these newFANGled snake people on the rise, it's time for an old favorite to return to the spotlight.

Rank 19; 2-1
Nominated by Commandosaur
The Blue Corner
Perfectly perfect, as all things should be.

Nominated by Ozone

Before the Battle

In Amset Ra's office...

???: This is the health inspector.

Amset Ra: I'm busy playing League of Legends: the cool new action game blah blah blah what do you want?

Health Inspector: We've had to shut down the cafeteria due to multiple cases of Grundalites.. I, myself, included. hAvE A chArbrOIlEd fErmEntEd EAstEr!.!.!

Amset Ra: Oh, well, I'll have to add that to my to-do list. Who are you aga- Frenzy?! Since when were you the health inspector?!

Frenzy: Today! I'm self employed! jInglE frOgs, jInglE frOgs…

Amset Ra: Why am I even surprised?

The Battle

Antimatter: Welcome, mortals, to Amset Ra's Fighting Pyramid. Wyldstyle has fallen sick to Grundalites. However, thanks to my ingenious persuasion tactics, I have convinced Amset Ra to make me narrator.

Amset Ra: Persuasion tactics? You're a homeless guy. I felt bad for you.

Antimatter: That was the plan. Anyway, in the red corner, we have my old employee… Professor Brainstein…

Brainstein: You owe me money you fiend!!!

Antimatter: That's an issue for another time. In the green corner, we have the honestestestest of them all. Honest Abe!

Abe: Bruh, I cheated in Fortnite. :D

Antimatter: Forget the honest parts. In the yellow corner, we have a freakishly thicc snake. I forgot its name.

Amset Ra: The Great Devourer.

Antimatter: That's a stupid name, but okay. The dude in the yellow corner's The Great Devourerer.

Amset Ra: You're falling out of character.

Antimatter: I fell out of character long ago. Finally, in the blue corner, is the one and only Thanos! I love you! Can I get your autograph???

Antimatter: Thanos: No.

Antimatter: Curse you you text style thief! Start the battle. Make sure that unoriginal purple freak loses. Ding ding ding!

Honest Abe summons an army of Union soldiers and directs them toward Thanos. They are, however, effortlessly snapped away along with several crowd members.

Abe: Four score and seven years ago, I was prophesied to win this fight!

Abe takes off his hat and throws it toward Thanos. Thanos chuckles until he sees it slice off the Infinity Gauntlet.

Antimatter: An incredible move by Abe!

Antimatter: Thanos: …?

Antimatter: What nerve! Thanos still steals my color!

Antimatter: Thanos: Your text is getting darker.

Antimatter: My text is what?!

Brainstein hovers above and watches the battle below. He eyes the now disarmed Thanos.

Antimatter: What's going on?! And why am I so out of character?!

Before Thanos has a chance to answer, he is blasted from behind by Professor Brainstein, eliminating him from the fight.

Antimatter: Nooooooo! Thanos! I never got your autograph!

Amset Ra: You are so out of character that I'm finding it increasingly difficult to hide my embarrassment.

Antimatter: That's not very nice. :(

Amset Ra: I'm also finding it increasingly difficult to understand what you're saying.

Antimatter: What?

The Great Devourer spots Abe and proceeds to strike.

Abe: Four score and seven years ago I wasn't prophesied to get struck by a snake!

Antimatter: Since when did Abe have anything to do with prophesies?

Abe: Since when did you lose your intimidating nature?

Abe, distracted, doesn't react in time to avoid getting struck.


Everyone stares at him except Amset Ra who continues complaining.

Amset Ra: Why did I ever hire you? You're so unprofessional. Maybe you should work with Invizable as a janitor. I want Wyldstyle back. Why does she have to have Grundalites? Why is the cafeteria so poorly run? Why did Frenzy have to become the health inspector? Why are the smoke alarms broken? Where's our running water? And most important, WHY IS MY SCARAB ALWAYS STARVING?

Antimatter: Shhhh! I'm trying to do my job.

Amset Ra: You dare hush me?! That's it! You're fired! Wyldstyle get over here!


Amset Ra: Still better than Antimatter…

Brainstein hovers just out of The Great Devourer's reach. He fires his stud shooter multiple times. However, it has no lasting effect.

Antimatter: Oh hey! My text has stopped darkening!

Amset Ra: !!!

Brainstein manages to land a couple hits inside The Great Devourer's mouth, momentarily stunning him.

Wyldstyle: jInglE frOgs, jInglE frOgs…

Amset Ra: Okay, that's going too far.

Brainstein is forced to cover his ears from Wyldstyle's assault and TEE-VEE begins sparking.

Crowd: No! Not TEE-VEE!

The crowd rushes into the arena and begins thronging TEE-VEE.

Priest of TEE-VEE: The mothership…

Right after he speaks, the mothership crashes through the arena's roof and lands conveniently in front of him.

Priest of TEE-VEE: TEE-VEE your honor… leave before it's…

However, instead of TEE-VEE entering, Brainstein and The Great Devourer do.


Brainstein realizes he's trapped as The Great Devourer is blocking the exit. He fires multiple rounds but is soon eaten.

Antimatter: My Super Ultra Antimatter Senses™ tell me The Great Devourer is the winner!

Amset Ra: Gosh darnit, Antimatter! You're not the narrator!

After the Battle

Antimatter: So you're telling me I'm a janitor now?

Amset Ra: That's right! It's going to be so much fun!

Antimatter: You're serious?

Amset Ra: Oh yeah! Wait until you see the bathrooms!

Antimatter: My Super Ultra Antimatter Senses™ tell me this is a bad idea...

The Winner
The Great Devourer
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See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle.

How much did you enjoy Professor Brainstein vs. Abraham Lincoln vs. The Great Devourerer vs. Thanos?

The poll was created at 04:25 on September 25, 2019, and so far 0 people voted.
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